Gollum Lives! Well, “Lived”, Anyway

By Akela Talamasca on September 17th, 2009

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Okay, really, c’mon now. Haven’t we been through this already, Internet? *sigh* Fine. One more time for the love of it.

In Panama, a group of local teenagers were reportedly terrified when a hairless, slimy creature appeared from behind a nearby waterfall at Cerro Azul and approached them. Thinking that it was going to attack them, the teens pelted it with rocks, which killed the creature. Then they tossed it in the lake and fled the scene.

Later, the body washed up on the shore and was picked apart by buzzards. Local authorities speculate that it might be some sort of mutated sloth.

Now. Let’s put on our Scooby Doo gear and get to solvin’ this mystery. First, look at that thing. Like the way its limbs are arranged in a very dramatic death pose, worthy of any Harlequin romance novel cover? Second, there’s no way that guy’s getting around on legs that spindly with a body that bloated. Third, and most damning, why do we have before and after photos? You mean to tell me that the teenagers took pictures of it after it was dead, then tossed it into the lake, rather than notifying authorities? How long was that thing lying there getting picked apart by scavengers before someone thought it might be a good idea to preserve the body for science?

There’s no effin’ way this is real, but lemme give you my guess and my hope: my guess is that it’s some local genius who wants to spoof the credible and eventually land himself a job doing practical effects for Hollywood movies. My hope is that it’s a race of intelligent slothmen come to claim our women and our DVD technology. I say “hope” because we could use a little at-home war right now, and these guys are vulnerable to rocks. Also, I bet they taste like chicken.