10 Least Manliest Man-Goods

By The Manolith Team on September 16th, 2009

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Does your girlfriend often make fun of you for some of the products you use? Do you still refuse to get rid of a shirt that stopped fitting you two years ago? Let’s face facts here; too many guys are running around under the impression that they’re meeting some form of man-code when they’re really failing pretty hard. If you use any of the following ten items, in a non-ironic way, then you may need to take a step back and possibly even pay your dad another visit. Maybe a couple. These are the least manly man-goods we could find that are running rampant today.

Hair Spray

Seriously, it doesn’t matter how the can is dressed up, it’s still the opposite of masculine. There simply is no way to use hair spray and look like a man, it’s just not possible. You can try to butch it up, but you’re only succeeding in making things awkward, and worse. First of all, if you’re still using this stuff, you’re pretty ridiculously out of date already. Second, there are far manlier alternatives in use today, with about 3.1 billion of them available at the salon you probably already shop at. Third, you should probably stop that nonsense too, but we’ll take baby steps here.

Men’s Aprons

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Any way you slice it, this is the opposite of manly. Aprons are aprons, and there is no way to effectively make one more image-friendly to the average male. You either work in a kitchen, and wear a standard apron, or you just wipe the food on your blue jeans and t-shirt like everyone else. Leave the fancy apron ideas to dear old mom, but don’t be surprised if she just laughs at you too.

Girly Razors

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This is a fad that needs to stop, now. I don’t know where it started, or how it started, but it’s gone too far. I can understand getting a little envious of women for the ridiculously complicated self-lubricating, auto-moisturizing, skin-type auto-sensing, ergonomic auto-adjusting technological masterpieces that they use to shave their more delicate regions. That’s no reason to think you need the same thing. Especially since men have gotten along just fine shaving with a straight razor for hundreds of years. If you want 14 blades on your razor, that’s fine, just keep to the generally accepted model — it works just fine.

Facial Creams

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A fine line exists between what is logically acceptable and not, in this case. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your face, especially if you are one of the unfortunate souls who is forced to shave for some reason, but there is no reason that this has to become an effeminate act. Cocoa butter laced olive oil cleansing cream, manually mixed by koala bears on an organic diet will not give you a better looking complexion. Please, don’t fall for this one.

Body Shampoo

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Body shampoo? I wish this were a joke, but it isn’t. This is a product that is being used by men in lieu of shaving their body-hair off, which in and of itself is already beyond the scope of this list. If you’re even dealing with the question of which route to take, then you’re wrong. The only men who can hope to get away with shaving their bodies are Olympic swimmers, and even they have a hard time justifying their actions to the educated man. Regular body wash is just fine, so avoid getting caught with this stuff in your shower.

Body Lotion

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This really stands on its own without need of explanation. Women use body lotion because they like to be soft and smooth everywhere. It’s for our benefit, after all, so we don’t complain. Men, on the other hand, have no use for this unless there is some sort of medical condition causing them excessive skin problems, so unless you’ve fallen victim to such unfortunate circumstances, put down the lotion.

Banana Hammocks

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The only time these atrocities are acceptable is when worn in a public display of irony, or possibly to your best friend’s wedding reception. There is no serious application for these that will ever be enough to justify owning a pair. If you do own a pair of these, then you should burn them, because they’re probably a hazardous material by now.

Muscle Shirts

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Easily the most mistakenly committed felony on this list, the muscle shirt needs to die. Professional gym-rats get away with wearing these things because it gives the rest of us something to laugh at in the parking lot. That’s no reason for you to wear one while painting the house, or picking your kid of up from school. Unless you can bench-press your own dad, these shirts will not make you look big. You’re only going to look like the guy in the picture.

Skinny Jeans

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It’s scientifically impossible to complain about skinny jeans too much. Fact: The Jonas Brothers wear them. Fact: Most women laugh at men who wear them. If you wear these, you need to stop. You’re only hurting yourself in the end, but the people closest to you are suffering in the meantime. It’s embarrassing.

The Murse

Nobody loves having their pockets stuffed to uncomfortable levels, but we get along just fine anyway. If you’ve ever had to say “it’s not a murse, it’s a courier bag” in defense of your man-bag, then you probably already know, deep down, that you are wrong. If you still think you can successfully pull off an argument justifying this little fad of yours, just watch the video. The rest of us will wait.