Does your girlfriend often make fun of you for some of the products you use? Do you still refuse to get rid of a shirt that stopped fitting you two years ago? Let’s face facts here; too many guys are running around under the impression that they’re meeting some form of man-code when they’re really failing pretty hard. If you use any of the following ten items, in a non-ironic way, then you may need to take a step back and possibly even pay your dad another visit. Maybe a couple. These are the least manly man-goods we could find that are running rampant today.
Hair Spray
Seriously, it doesn’t matter how the can is dressed up, it’s still the opposite of masculine. There simply is no way to use hair spray and look like a man, it’s just not possible. You can try to butch it up, but you’re only succeeding in making things awkward, and worse. First of all, if you’re still using this stuff, you’re pretty ridiculously out of date already. Second, there are far manlier alternatives in use today, with about 3.1 billion of them available at the salon you probably already shop at. Third, you should probably stop that nonsense too, but we’ll take baby steps here.
Men’s Aprons
Any way you slice it, this is the opposite of manly. Aprons are aprons, and there is no way to effectively make one more image-friendly to the average male. You either work in a kitchen, and wear a standard apron, or you just wipe the food on your blue jeans and t-shirt like everyone else. Leave the fancy apron ideas to dear old mom, but don’t be surprised if she just laughs at you too.
Girly Razors
This is a fad that needs to stop, now. I don’t know where it started, or how it started, but it’s gone too far. I can understand getting a little envious of women for the ridiculously complicated self-lubricating, auto-moisturizing, skin-type auto-sensing, ergonomic auto-adjusting technological masterpieces that they use to shave their more delicate regions. That’s no reason to think you need the same thing. Especially since men have gotten along just fine shaving with a straight razor for hundreds of years. If you want 14 blades on your razor, that’s fine, just keep to the generally accepted model — it works just fine.
Facial Creams
A fine line exists between what is logically acceptable and not, in this case. There is nothing wrong with taking care of your face, especially if you are one of the unfortunate souls who is forced to shave for some reason, but there is no reason that this has to become an effeminate act. Cocoa butter laced olive oil cleansing cream, manually mixed by koala bears on an organic diet will not give you a better looking complexion. Please, don’t fall for this one.
Body Shampoo
Body shampoo? I wish this were a joke, but it isn’t. This is a product that is being used by men in lieu of shaving their body-hair off, which in and of itself is already beyond the scope of this list. If you’re even dealing with the question of which route to take, then you’re wrong. The only men who can hope to get away with shaving their bodies are Olympic swimmers, and even they have a hard time justifying their actions to the educated man. Regular body wash is just fine, so avoid getting caught with this stuff in your shower.
Body Lotion
This really stands on its own without need of explanation. Women use body lotion because they like to be soft and smooth everywhere. It’s for our benefit, after all, so we don’t complain. Men, on the other hand, have no use for this unless there is some sort of medical condition causing them excessive skin problems, so unless you’ve fallen victim to such unfortunate circumstances, put down the lotion.
Banana Hammocks
The only time these atrocities are acceptable is when worn in a public display of irony, or possibly to your best friend’s wedding reception. There is no serious application for these that will ever be enough to justify owning a pair. If you do own a pair of these, then you should burn them, because they’re probably a hazardous material by now.
Muscle Shirts
Easily the most mistakenly committed felony on this list, the muscle shirt needs to die. Professional gym-rats get away with wearing these things because it gives the rest of us something to laugh at in the parking lot. That’s no reason for you to wear one while painting the house, or picking your kid of up from school. Unless you can bench-press your own dad, these shirts will not make you look big. You’re only going to look like the guy in the picture.
Skinny Jeans
It’s scientifically impossible to complain about skinny jeans too much. Fact: The Jonas Brothers wear them. Fact: Most women laugh at men who wear them. If you wear these, you need to stop. You’re only hurting yourself in the end, but the people closest to you are suffering in the meantime. It’s embarrassing.
The Murse
Nobody loves having their pockets stuffed to uncomfortable levels, but we get along just fine anyway. If you’ve ever had to say “it’s not a murse, it’s a courier bag” in defense of your man-bag, then you probably already know, deep down, that you are wrong. If you still think you can successfully pull off an argument justifying this little fad of yours, just watch the video. The rest of us will wait.
Comments
10 Biggest Resume Mistakes.com
September 16th, 2009 - 12:59:02 PM
I'm glad that the Murse guy will not buy a woman's bag. Makes me feel good that he will stand up for murse rights!
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sofa king
September 16th, 2009 - 3:00:41 PM
Just because my girlfriend and I wear the same skinny jeans does not mean the pants are unmanly.
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Ben
September 17th, 2009 - 12:45:41 PM
Guilty of skinny jeans. Also guilty of wanting a nice-lookin' murse. Otherwise: 100% alpha male here. Yeah!
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Dan
December 3rd, 2009 - 2:18:56 PM
Free Gillette Razor Blades Men's Life Today is giving away a year's supply of free Gillette razor blades in a contest http://menslifetoday.com/tips/index.html
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Roger
January 2nd, 2010 - 7:59:26 PM
I have recently discovered that those stupid 5 blade razors are the *CAUSE* of those stupid itchy ingrown hairs that make you look like a pimply teen in the middle of that important meeting where you thought some good grooming would be important. Think about it: those razors promise an "extra smooth shave" [1] by pulling the stub of the hair shaft up a little so it can be cut off a few thousandths of an inch shorter. THIS MEANS THE SHARP END OF THE STUB IS NOW BELOW SKIN LEVEL. So if it isn't perfectly straight as it grows back out, it can get caught on the edge of the follicle and start burrowing along under the epidermis. Since I dropped the silly umpteen-blade razors in favour of dirt cheap name-brand single blade razors, I now rarely get ingrown hairs. And I spend all of about $10 a year on razors. More recently, I've started shaving with a straight edge razor. It's much easier to learn than it looks -- although I'm still a bit slower than with my name-brand safety razor, so I keep them to use when I'm in a hurry. It gives a damn fine shave, it is the ONLY serious way to remove mutton-chops after Movember, and it's extra-manly two ways. First, the daily ritual now involves staring down the Fates steely-eyed whilst holding (literally) razor sharp fine German steel against your own jugular vein. Secondly, it involves getting the Right Tool for the Job by paying extra for quality up front, knowing that it will pay for itself in a few months and then be passed down as an heirloom [2]. ___ 1. Or actually, about an extra half hour at the same smoothness level. Really, if an ultra smooth shave at 5 p.m. is that important, then have a proper blade shave in the morning but keep an electric in your desk or glovebox for a quick touch-up on the way to the date. Electrics are teh suck, but they do alright for a touch up, much better in fact than hoping that a 5 blade shave will hold out till the end of Happy Hour. 2. I can just see Little Johnny asking Grandma, "So, did folks still use straight edge razors in 2010?", and Grandma replies, "No, your Grandpa was a bit of a nut-job who liked staring down the Fates steely-eyed."
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Anonymous
January 25th, 2010 - 12:17:07 AM
Also on the subject of razors, women don't need the item to be pastel-colored for purchase. It's infantilizing. Same goes for electronics.
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Jo woods
March 25th, 2010 - 12:00:24 PM
Oh yeah dude, you got that one right! Lou www.anonymous-proxy.us.tc
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Andrew
March 25th, 2010 - 12:00:35 PM
Muscle shirts? When your jacked you want to show that off, how is that unmanly? Please, anyone who thinks that is over weight and has no personal pride.
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Chris
March 25th, 2010 - 12:03:40 PM
I can bench press two of my dad's. Does that allow me to wear the muscle shirts when I work out (because I overhead like crazy wearing sleeves)?
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Steve
March 25th, 2010 - 12:26:23 PM
Gotta agree with Andrew about the muscle shirts unless of course it doesnt apply to t-shirts with the sleeves cut off
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anonymous
March 25th, 2010 - 12:27:01 PM
How exactly are muscle shirts unmanly if they are worn at the gym? There is nothing wrong with showing off your hard work, especially when you are pumped up after a long workout. I have to agree with Andrew. People who think they are unmanly are probably out of shape.
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bourbononthrocks
March 25th, 2010 - 12:27:58 PM
"Regular body wash is just fine, so avoid getting caught with this stuff in your shower."???? Regular body wash??? Pretty manly there, what's wrong with soap? Too harsh on your sensitive skin?
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Anonymous
March 25th, 2010 - 12:51:35 PM
And besides, its not a murse, its a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
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Chris
March 25th, 2010 - 1:27:23 PM
You carry a bag, and in one way or another, you're gay. Extra gay like the rainbow-butt in the murse video, or closet. You don't carry a bag. And skinny jeans, try to justify all you want, You - Look - Gay. Be a man, don't be "that guy"
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Aly
March 25th, 2010 - 1:36:41 PM
My boyfriend has a murse or satchel or whatever. Frankly, I'm surprised that theres this horrible stigma against it. They don't really look like a purse. They're generally wider all around and at least I don't have to carry his damned tissues, wallet, car keys, etc anymore. Now he can carry all of that himself and not make my bag any heavier.
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Brice
March 25th, 2010 - 2:19:01 PM
Honestly if you want a bag and still want to be a main, just get yourself a laptop bag that's like a messenger bag and actually have your laptop in the damned thing. Then you have your laptop with you, plus you can put your cellphone, keys, and anything else that you regularly lug around in it... Just don't buy a coach one... Seriously, name brand on a laptop bag screams FFFFFAAAAABBUUUUULLLLLLLLOOOUUUUUSSSSSS
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Trent
March 26th, 2010 - 8:03:00 AM
This is definitely ridiculous opinionated garbage by a ruthless sexist ass. What makes you qualified to say how a "male" is supposed to act or behave like? You say these are facts, but actually they are biased remarks against everyone who decides to use these products. Your amatuer writing skills asserts you are not fit to define masculitinity, along with anyone who believes in your crap. Btw, women actually like seeing guys use these products because it shows them they want to look good, just as a women tries to perfect herself for her man. Just because guys use a certain razor or product to remove hair is no reason to imply they aren't manly enough. You obviously haven't learned that majority of women like smoother guys over hairy, so this trash obviously shows your ignorance for looking clean.
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