Listen to this: Guy Ritchie. Lobo. PG-13. The first few times I tried to type those words together in a sentence, one of my eyes popped out of its socket and I was looking at my keyboard and my chin at the same time. Leaving them in their own contained phrases seemed safest.
But that’s the news. Guy Ritchie is directing a live-action Lobo movie. And it’s going to be PG-13 and he’ll get a teenaged girl sidekick. Okay, hold on, my other eye just popped out.
I don’t care if Disney bought Marvel; that’s no excuse for DC to start diluting the strength of one of its craziest characters. Who here has read any of the “Lobo” miniseries? In one of them, he gets his upper half shot the hell off and his skull is literally filled with bullets. Does that sound like family fun to you? I mean, from other than the Manson family?
If for no other reason, Guy Ritchie is the wrong choice for this role simply because of his proclivity to shoot action in slow motion. There’s nothing slow motion about The Main Man. Here’s what I want from a Lobo movie. 1) Gratuitous violence with practical effects. No CGI. Get Stan Winston on the horn. 2) Gratuitous nudity and ridiculous proportions. I wanna see all my silicone sisters out there in force. 3) A ridiculously pumped-up bodybuilder in white makeup to play Lobo. Simon Bisley has to be using photo references for his artwork; let him supply the actor. 4) A bare-bones plot that doesn’t take itself at all seriously.
If you can give me those four things, I will go see your movie, Hollywood. I will see it three times and tell everyone I know about it so they can see it three times. And then we will buy the DVD when it comes out. If you can’t give me those things, then just forget it. Your movie pre-sucks. Don’t come crying to me later, you bastiches.
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