Judd Apatow’s Crew As Muppets

By Mark Lorenz on September 3rd, 2009

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Jason Segel recently pitched a movie, penned by him, starring The Muppets. Which made me think that most of the people that have been in Judd Apatow movies could actually be muppets. And here’s who they would be.

Kermit the Frog – Jason Schwartzman

Tiny, gentle, with a high pitched voice, and a predilection for music, Jason Schwartzman could play Kermit the Frog to a T. Can you imagine Max Fisher singing songs about rainbows? I can. It’s actually my ringtone. And my alarm. Who wants to paint this dude green? Raise your webs.

Miss Piggy – Katherine Heigl

Because, per volume, she seems to have the largest head of any leading woman in recent years. She always turns the conversation to herself, even when no-one wants to hear it, and has a boyfriend that is way more likable than she is. Yes, you’re a star. Yes. We get it.

Scooter – Gary Cole

He’s the dude you loved to hate in Office Space, now he’s the dude you’re like, “WTF, why are you here?” on Entourage, now he can be the dude holding the clipboard backstage in the Muppet Theater. He’s got the glasses, and the semi-rounded head. Also, the gentle demeanor.

Fozzy Bear – Seth Rogen

Dubiously talented comedian? Check. Large curls all over his head? Check. Seth Rogen actually sounds exactly like a muppet in scenes where he gets  emotional, so it’s natural he made the list. He’d play a good Fozzy. Even though the muppet he sounds like is Rolf, a fact which was parodied in an SNL sketch.

Gonzo – Steve Carrell

Gonzo is generally one of the most likeable muppets. Which is how I think of Steve Carrell. One of the most likeable actors probably existing. Also, he does a killer job holding things together, as Gonzo did in the Muppet Christmas Carol. Also, his nose. It could be enlarged and turned blue.

The Swedish Chef – James Franco

What the hell is he saying? Nobody knows. He’s baking. Like James Franco is, as you read this.

Sam the Eagle – Bill Hader

Bill Hader looks exactly like Sam the Eagle. In addition to being an insanely talented impressionist, Hader often plays the straight man to a comic foil. And Sam is the straightest eagle that ever eagled.

Statler & Waldorf – Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly looks like an eccentric millionaire, aka, EXACTLY LIKE STATLER. Will Ferrell generally yells a ton in his movies, so why not give them a ledge to yell from? I’d actually pay to see that. Step Brothers proved they work well together.

Bunsen Honeydew – Romany Malco

Bunsen was named for a science prop and his color. Romany Malco was named when Scooby Doo got high. Making Honeydew charismatic may not be the best idea, but Malco is a talented actor, as evidenced on Weeds. Also, the guy playing Beaker will be white. I smell buddy cop sketches.

Beaker – Jason Segal

He looks exactly like Beaker. Also, Beaker’s voice is generally what I hear when I see him onscreen. Only deeper. And with less me-me’s.

Rizzo the Rat – Jay Baruchel

Because Rizzo is criminally underrated. Just like Jay Baruchel, who has been the backbone of many summer movies.

Animal – Russell Brand

This one would require a stretch. Namely, Russell Brand shutting the hell up. And demonstrating impeccable comic timing. Instead of his characteristic rambling. Animal is one of the greatest characters of all time, so those are impressive suspenders to fill.

Rolf – Craig Robinson

Craig Robinson is a beast of a piano player. Also, he’s always laid back, cool, and naturally funny. He could do Rolf easy. Even though Rolf, again, sounds exactly like Seth Rogen. Or the other way around.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper – Judd Apatow

He’s in charge of the whole band of muppets. Also, he puts his main squeeze in most of his projects, so it works out.

Janice – Leslie Mann

To be fair, Leslie Mann is way cuter than Janice who looks like New York, from I Love New York and every other horrible show on VH1 ever. But I would lurve to see Leslie Mann play guitar.

Zoot – Dave Koechner

Zoot is a 50 year old balding, burned out musician, who is generally quiet. Dave Koechner is a 40-something dude who is also balding, but generally loud and boisterous. But they look remarkably similar.

Lips – Danny McBride

I just had to throw him on here, because Danny McBride is awesome. He could also play the curly-haired trumpet player as ballsy, belligerent, and unintentionally hilarious.

Sweetums – Jonah Hill

Sweetums is the large, hairy muppet, who resembles a bulldog. His sweet heart belies his external appearance. Jonah Hill is a large, probably hairy person who resembles a french bulldog. But unlike Sweetums, he will kill you and eat you.

Crazy Harry – Martin Starr

Martin Starr, in addition to being the nicest guy in the world, looks like he’d be good with explosives. Crazy Harry is the muppet that’d run in and disrupt scenes by blowing them up. Martin Starr just steals them.

The Muppet Newsman – Paul Rudd

In his earnestness, the Muppet Newsman could never get things right. He’d always have runs of bad luck. Paul Rudd looks the most like a newsman out of anybody, and does genuinely unlucky well.

Pepe the King Prawn – Kristen Wigg

She’s tiny and she has a hilarious latino voice hiding somewhere in her (leaving the gender bit aside of course).