5 Failed Nostalgic Energy Drink Crossovers

By The Manolith Team on September 2nd, 2009

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Hipsters are a tricky bunch (are you one? of course not.), always professing that they don’t actually like anything that everyone else likes while “ironically” loving something completely stupid. To that point there are at least two things you can count on the skinny-jeans set actually enjoying (while pretending not to, obviously): that’s energy drinks and nostalgia. The former is a great way to keep them up pounding PBRs through night after night of secret warehouse shows and dive bar Jukebox-jockeying. The latter is a great way to mine the zeitgeist and be the first to bring back some long-forgotten trend. Be the first one to make a slap bracelet joke, or drop a Go Bots reference at a Transformers screening and you’ll instantly win over some hipster hearts. (Although they won’t tell you that. Also, they won’t be at a Transformers screening.)

So in an attempt to capture the Nostalgic Energy Drink market, I present the next big things in hyper-caffeinated beverages after the jump:

Gummi Bears Gummiberry Juice:

Inspired by the 80’s cartoon of the same name, this one comes as an energy shot in a beaker that looks like you stole it from your 10th grade chemistry teacher. Pop the cork, chug it down and you’ll be bouncing around your favorite underground venue like you actually enjoy the band. Mixed drink suggestion: Drink the neck of a Miller High Life bottle, pour this bad boy in and chug it down. It’s called a “My Dad Hates Me”.

Lost Boys Vampire Blood:

Before True Blood and Twilight made vampires into little sissy boys, there were The Lost Boys. With a tagline like, “Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never Die. It’s fun to be a vampire.” this movie-tie in is a no-brainer for an energy drink. However, like every good energy drink, when mixed with your booze of choice it tended to cause blackouts that made you wonder if you didn’t get a couple of pints drained by a bloodsucker. Also, it was responsible for at least 2 of Keifer Sutherland’s DUI’s.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Mutagen:

Remember the cereal that came with the green honey you could put in the milk to give you an intense sugar buzz before heading off to your 2nd grade class? Well, replace the honey with overly-caffeinated, green syrup, the milk with vodka, and the cereal with ice and you’ve pretty much got it. Side effects include waking up passed out in a sewer drain, “trying to find Master Splinter.”

Transformers Allspark:

Hot on the coattails of the recent Transformers reboot, this metallic-tasting beverage infused with real silicon wafers and computer chips is just like Goldschlager, but with caffeine and recycled PC parts. Unfortunately, the only thing it will transform you into is a babbling idiot trying to use the VCR slot of your old TV as a urinal.

Baywatch Sea Spray:

Get that invigorating feeling of waves crashing on the beach at sunrise with a blast of caffeinated salt water. Or mix it with vodka and to create a new drink called a “Life Preserver”. Unfortunately it tends to do the opposite and you may end up rolling around on the floor professing your love for hamburgers.

What did I miss? Leave your brilliant cross-marketing ideas in the comments.