In honor of Marvel being purchased for 4 billion by the media conglomerate, here are a list of crossovers that we never, ever, ever want to see.
That’s So Wolverine
Wolverine has a history of being attracted to people who use psychic powers, just like Raven Symone did, in one of a myriad of their hacky tween shows that launch “stars”. They’d get into wacky situations, and then get out of them when he’d mysteriously shank someone. Although maybe a Wolverine crossover would help Raven whatserface, considering the career she will soon go on, playing amusement parks.
Hannah Montana……with Deadpool
Hannah Montana is leading a secret double life. By day, she is a sweet and unassuming schoolgirl. By night, she’s an alcoholic. (This is hypothetical, but probably also a reality.) The cross-over happens when, in an effort to spice up her image, Miley Cyrus’ alter-ego Hannah assumes another alter ego-that of a teenage prostitute that Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool falls in love with. Though Marvel completely butchered Deadpool with their latest Wolverine movie, I think Hannah Montana could use a little more self-awareness. I mean, the star changed her name from Destiny Hope to Miley Cyrus. Maybe she’s a superhero, because any other ordinary girl with those names would be pregnant at sixteen. And she’s just posing with her dad. Giving you the eyes.
JONAS and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
The Jonas Brothers have proved that the amount of sex you have is inversely proportional to the amount of rocking you do. As in, the less you have, the more you sound like the Jonas Brothers. But in order to form a buddy comedy, Disney would pair them up with the most evillest mutants ever. Take a vow of chastity? Welcome Mystique, the shape shifting woman, who at 5′10″, 120 pounds will test your ring finger. Play rawkin’ music in your garage? Enter Magneto, who will bend your Fenders into shivs. And shank you. Pick any two mutants from the huge Brotherhood, and cast them against the Jonases, and it would work. Actually it may not, because mutants have charisma.
Mutant School Musical
AWWW, GOD, ADOLESCENCE IS SO HARD. I want to be a mutant, but what I really want to do is make my spark-shooting hands into spark-shooting jazz hands. Will we be able to put on the greatest production ever, before we can beat the badguys? I don’t know, but let’s play tiddlywinks and braid our Mutant hair before it attacks someone! Awww, we’ll be friends forever. (Somewhere off in Hollywood, someone is pitching this idea right now.)
The Wizards of Waverly Place vs. The Avengers
Mistaking the teenage witches and wizards for superheroes, Tony Stark and crew hunt them down over four seasons.
Hulkules
While getting angry, very angry, The Incredible Hulk falls into a portal that transports him into Ancient Greece. There, he meets Hades, and demons voiced by Bobcat Goldwaith, and subsequently smashes them all. Except Meg, who inexplicably, has the skinniest waist of any person animated, ever. And Hulk likey.
The Danger Room with Zack and Cody
About two brothers, who are just chilling in the X-Men’s simulator room, which can create any situation, ever, to train mutants. They’re minding their own business, their mom is teaching at the school, FUCK, THERE’S A BEAR. GOD, HOW DO WE KILL IT? For three seasons.
Beauty and The Beast
She’s just an enchanting French girl, with a brain, and a love for books. He is an enchanting blue creature, with a brain bigger than hers, and advanced scientific knowledge. She falls into his castle, worries about her father being sprung from prison, and he invents a robot to do it for them. And kills Gaston while hanging upside down and reading. To be fair, it would have to be modded into a short film. There’s no way that story could last for more than two hours.
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