Cremation Solutions Invents The Creepiest Urn Known To Man

By Mark Lorenz on August 21st, 2009

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Say one of your loved ones has just died. It’s very tragic. Also, very sad. Nobody wants to think about the people they love dying. But it’s going to happen eventually. Stop thinking about it. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. Seriously, stop.

Now, say you loved looking at the person so much, that when you had the option of putting their remains into an urn, you were all, “FUCK THAT. I WANT TO SHOVE THEM IN THEIR HEAD.” Well, thanks to capitalism, you can, and my god, you are SO metal.

Personal Urns from Cremation Solutions, allows you to possess the supervillain-like power you wished you had when you were living. Namely, to make a mock-up of your loved one’s head, so you can put things in it, using facial reconstruction and photorealism. They are saying this technology will be limited to urns, and I am saying, WOW, FOR BEING TOTAL CREEPSTERS, YOU GUYS AT CREMATION SOLUTIONS ARE REALLY UNCREATIVE.

What would you like to put in your dead loved one’s head? For me, it’s personal. (Cookies.) But the kicker is this. Besides being a mock-up of someone you love, they will also make urns in the shape of your favorite celebrity. (Or flowers.)

Now, a lot of talk is exchanged about the value we place on celebrity in this day and age. That we care about them far too much. And now, they can carry you into the next life. In death, you can finally be with Jack Sparrow. Someone could conceivably look at your mantle and say, “Why is Mr. T’s head there?” And you’d say, “That’s Grandpa.” So thank the creative people at Cremation Solutions. Also, keep them away from your kids. What’s that, you ask? What are the best places to put the fake disembodied head of a dead family member?

The Bathroom

Really, what activity you do in the bathroom WOULDN’T be enhanced by a cold, penetrating stare from beyond?

By the Front Door

Easy solution for door-to-door salesman. When they come over, jut your jaw out, breathe heavy, and point. Also, trick-or-treaters. They’ve had it too easy for too long.

On the Weather Vane

Warn the neighbors. You don’t get angry. You get viking.

On the Kitchen Table

Because your family dinners aren’t awkward enough.

For more information, visit the Cremation Solutions website. Then shower repeatedly, as you will feel unclean.