The following is the liveblog of a harrowing movie going experience. Typed out by touch on an iPhone, this is one of the only ever recorded liveblogs to survive a chick flick. Read on to learn the consequences of seeing a movie outside of your assigned target demographic.
Let me say to you, no it was not my first choice as I showed up to the theater hoping to see the Man’s Movie du Jour: District 9. The word’s SOLD OUT on the red LED display put me in a survival mode, I had to think quick before I got stuck seeing Paper Hearts, my date’s first choice that I had vetoed earlier.
“How about Julie and Julia? I like food” I stutter. I am an idiot.
7:10
Ok, sitting down, looking good. Popcorn, Jumbo Galactic Bucket Of Corn Syrup aka Mr. Pibb, good seats, third row (a lil close) in the middle. Always have to explain to girls the importance of sitting in the middle, surround sound placement important even for Meryl Streep movies.
7:15
Date in bathroom, dumb as hell for leaving me alone with the popcorn.
7:17
Have eaten half of popcorn.
7:23
Previews! All these previews are terrible, no comic book movie previews. I am snorting too much, the movie hasn’t even started yet. This is what I get for not ordering my District 9 tickets ahead of time and getting stuck seeing Julie & Julia like a chump.
7:35
Movie rolling, not too bad, not too bad. Shit, I like eating and even cooking, this is a movie about some of my favorite things! Ok so it seems it’s gonna cut from Meryl Streep’s Julia Child to Amy Adams’ Julie the generic blogger character…
7:47
AMY ADAMS IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I have never not exaggerated more in my life: Amy Adams playing a whiney blogger is the worst thing in the world.
7:52
Y’know Meryl Strepp as Julia Child isn’t all that bad, mmm that food looks delicious… Stanley Tucci as Paul Child is hilarious and a snazzy dresser, even.
8:02
AMY ADAMS IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I didn’t know I could hate anyone more than the Amy Adams of 15 minutes ago but I was so so so wrong! The Amy Adams of The Present is actually a time traveling witch who birthed Hitler and caused the Black Plague!
8:15
Julia Child and her husband make this movie bearable for periods of up to 15 minutes at a time. It’s like this movie gets drunk every 15 minutes and smacks me around, making me watch Amy Adams deliver obnoxiously earnest dialogue concerning blogging. This movie makes blogging seem like the most uncool thing in the world.
8:30
Date appears into this movie. Out of popcorn. Jumbo Mr Pibb holding out quite well, but bladder suffering heavily.
8:45
Timing bathroom break with Amy Adam’s on-screen time. No rush, but I am quite enjoying the Julia Child half of the movie, if only for the french food porn and the zany accents. Some of the guys in the bathroom look more haggard than me, I can only assume they got stuck watching Paper Hearts.
9:07
Want to go home and cook things with butter. Have lost all track of what this movie is about anymore. Amy Adams is constantly crying and talking about her blog, it is very much like reading a tumblr. I hate that I am weak and I let myself spend money to see this. Date appears content, the chick flick’s programmed messages sending her vagina into a fuzzy land of emotion.
9:12
I have forgotten what happiness is. All is Amy Adams, all is red hair and talk of her blogs commentors. Pondering the hollywood schmuck who got this script in the door at Columbia. Imagining him being waterboarded by John McCain.
9:17
Maybe this movie will have boobs?
9:19
There might be boobs, there might be boobs, there might be boobs.
9:21
No boobs. PG rated makeout session between Amy Adams and a dude who asks Amy Adams a lot of questions. Truly, 28 US dollars down the drain. And a small percentage of that goes right into Amy Adams’ pockets. She has a lot of pockets. BECAUSE SHE NEVER TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF!
9:23
The end of this movie is so close I can taste it. I can do this, I can do this, I am strong. It’s not as bad as a visit to a discount dentist and Meryl Streep is so funny with her Julia Child voice…
9:24
…FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY ALERT! Amy Adams jumped back on screen, one last time, Comanche style, to participate in a cliche ending so painful I begin to punch myself in the face, if only to feel anything but pure distilled hate.
9:32
Credits! I DID IT! I made it through Julie & Julia! Huzzah! Onwards to to the “you saw a chick flick with me” blowjob!
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