Top 5 John Hughes Bullies

By Akela Talamasca on August 7th, 2009

• Link to StumbleUpon
• 2 Comments

Teenage life in the 80’s was nothing without the twin elements of angst and alienation. John Hughes understood this very well, and built a career around documenting the fictional lives of some of our most memorable big screen teens. In their trials we recognized ourselves, and thus made them more than just actors in a movie: they became cultural icons.

Yet what would our heroes be, without the villains who confronted them, and made them rise above? John Hughes understood that, too, and gave us quite a few enduring antagonists to boo, and to cheer for their defeat. To commemorate them, I give you: the Top 5 John Hughes Bullies, in ascending order.

5. The Mutant Bikers from “Weird Science”

The most overtly violent on this list I count as the least bully-like. Psychological and emotional damage is so much more insidious and lasting. But that’s not to say that these guys were not without merit. In the space of just a few seconds, these mutant marauders had thrashed a living room, captured the would-be girlfriends of our heroes Gary and Wyatt, and generally terrorized the party. Ultimately proving unable to make good on their posturing, they came in like lions and left like lambs.

4. Ian and Max from “Weird Science”

Well, obviously. Although these characters do have names, they’ll always be remembered as “the bullies from Weird Science”. Dumping slushies on our heroes, pantsing them in front of dozens of high school girls, being generally sexist and horrible, these guys have their act down pat. For my money, they got off pretty easy at the end of the movie, though not before proving that all bullies are cowards at heart. And hey, look, it’s Tony Stark himself! Who’d'a thought?

3. Harry and Marv, the “Wet Bandits” from “Home Alone”

You gotta be some kinda special human being to threaten a kid the way these two do through most of “Home Alone”. If it hadn’t been played for laughs, the movie could have been a pretty scary ride. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern, getting more and more beat-up, frustrated, and furious throughout, are clearly in a murderous mood by the climax. Ultimately, we cheer for the ingenuity displayed by Kevin, and revel in the next-door neighbor’s coming to the rescue, but it manages to play pretty tense for most of the time before that.

2. Principal Richard “Dick” Vernon from “The Breakfast Club”

Now this is a bully. Why is it that so often the last people you’d want in charge are the ones who are? Principal Vernon uses every bit of his position’s influence to make sure his students suffer. He’s inherently unlikeable, by both adults and teens, but it’s his special relationship with Bender that allows us to truly hate him. A grown man, physically threatening a high school student, knowing full well his authority puts him above any kind of real comeuppance — well, you just have to despise that, don’t you?

1. Chet Donnelly from “Weird Science”

You knew this was coming, right? “Chet? Aww … shit!” I defy you to find any character more gleefully aware of his own nature as a bully, who revels in it and is unrepentant of it … right up until the time he’s turned into a giant turd. And even then he talks back. Chet is every big brother/jock/military wanna-be you’ve ever known. Not about physical intimidation, emotional belittling, and outright blackmail, Chet goes out of his way to be as nasty as possible, and we love that about him.