Chickolith: Helen Mirren (The Older Babe)

By Mark Lorenz on August 7th, 2009

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So far, Chickolith has run down buxom babes, hot models, and actresses. But really, how many of them can say, they started out classy and sexy, and have remained that way consistently for over 40 years? None. Because they aren’t Helen Mirren, the head bitch in charge of British Theater.

She started out as a Catholic schoolgirl. That’s right. You heard me. A catholic schoolgirl. She has the tendency to talk about being naked, and showing up the same way in film. Even though she’s older. You know how hot it is when an older women can go against misogynistic perceptions that women lose their attractiveness as they older? Oh, god, it’s so hot I want her to cook things. She once sucker-punched Judi Dench with her mind. You know how much hotter it is when someone admits to regularly doing coke in their 40’s while continuing to tear up the London stage in SHAKESPEARE PLAYS? Way hot. I can’t even look at Helen Mirren. I bet she smells like an angel falling into a volcano. She’s so good at acting, she was cast as the lead in American Psycho, and it took four months for producers to find out she was a British woman.

They planted a tree in her honor, and it became a real boy. She once acted opposite Alan Rickman, and he was so amazed by her, his neck disappeared. Her standard American accent is so good, it went and discovered Kansas. She once had a dinner party, where she told the guests what dishes to bring just with her eyes. She once did a death scene so realistic, the Reaper came for her co-stars. When she sings in the shower, thirty women from Birmingham get pregnant simultaneously. Did I mention she was in Caligula? What other actress could be in one of the worst reviewed films of all time, with necrophilia, and have a career revival? That’s right. This sexy lady. Helen Mirren. Look at her. None of you will look this good when you’re in your sixties. And if you do, I will camp on your lawn. That is a promise.