Manolith Salutes: Peeing Standing Up

By Ned Hepburn on August 6th, 2009

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Now, this is possibly THE greatest part about being a guy. To hell with firing a gun, chasing a beast, or firefighting. I say ‘Nix Nix’ to your porkchop sandwiches, pay-per-view boxing, and your dog-eared Thomas Pynchon novels. Peeing where you stand is the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement. And how is this? Because what other species is able to say “I mark this territory, and I also have the power of reason and compassion”? Can a dolphin. No. A dolphin cannot do this. And nor can women. Sadly, they must remain stationary when urinating, but US MEN can RIDE LIKE THE WIND while peeing, or perhaps to use another Christopher Cross song title, they can pee while SAILING.

Yes, there are many good things about being a man. But peeing standing up is tantamount to being a God. You are your own leader. You do not need a recepticle. You do not need a container. NOTHING can contain your golden stream. Yay verily, with the force and dexterity in aiming with which you wield yourself you should probably have taken up archery or fencing. But NO. You wanted to “keep it street”, because as every great mind knows, you should not do things for the validation of a large audience.

And what’s more is that WE ARE ON THE GO. We are – without a doubt – the most “on the go” generation ever. Between our iPhones, our iFriends, and our iDebt, we are always moving, and always shaking. Literally. We at Manolith salute our ability to pee standing up. Because this is America, where we have Drive-Thru Liquor Stores and 10-Minute Vegas marriages. So next time you are standing gung-ho at the porcelain palace, think of Manolith, and think how good it is to be A MAN.