I love cute, adorable animals. There, I said it. And you know what? I’m not ashamed of it. Puppies, kitties, bunny wabbits – if it’s fuzzy and doesn’t want to eat me, then I just want to rub my hands all over it and cover its precious little face with kisses.
I’m coming out as a closet animal cuddler because, well, I’ve come to realize that ALL men have, for some reason or another, handed over their Man Card at some point in their lives.
The Man Card has become a bit of a running gag between my friends and I; first brought to my attention via my brother-in-law (it is also a real item, that you can purchase here). If you’ve never heard of a Man Card, then let me give you the low-down:
Essentially, your Man Card serves as indisputable proof that you are a man (so trannies, order yours now). However, not just any man can go around brandishing a Man Card and get away with it. No, sir. That card can only be carried by respectable members of the male community.
As such, your Man Card can (and probably will) be revoked at some point in your life. This happens anytime you do, say or partake in anything super girly (i.e. gushing over cute, adorable animals).
I think it was about the time that I used my Tumblr account (Pleated Jeans – shameless plug) to subscribe to my third “cute animal” photoblog that I handed over my Man Card.
If you don’t own a physical Man Card, that doesn’t mean you don’t have one. Your penis earns you an intangible Man Card at birth.
Still, real or not, you can lose your Man Card in any number of ways. For example, my brother-in-law willingly hands over his Man Card every time he sits down to watch Gilmore Girls on DVD. Another friend of mine sits down to pee, and doesn’t care who knows it.
If you’re laughing at these poor specimens of masculinity, you shouldn’t be. Because I’m willing to wager that at some point, you’ve done something just as shameful. Maybe you got away with it. Maybe when you sang that Destiny’s Child song in the shower nobody heard you. But that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. And you know what? Even if nobody else knows about it, YOU DO.
Well, my friend. I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone. No man can be 100-percent manly all the time. I guarantee that every single one of us is walking around with an incredibly shameful secret bottled up inside of us.
Maybe your friends know about it. Maybe they don’t. Either way, you’re embarrassed. Well, you know what? That’s no way to live. I just told the whole world that I love cute, adorable animals. And you know what? It feels great.
So my question to you, manly Manolith readers, is how did you lose your Man Card? If you think you haven’t done anything worthy of a Man Card revocation, think harder. It’s possible you’ve tried to block out all unmanly memories. To jog your memory, here are some more examples:
- Watching figure skating
- Knitting something
- Willingly talking about your feelings
- Saying, “Oh, fiddlesticks!”
- Spending more than 5 minutes fixing your hair
- Taking baths
- Using “age-defying” lotion
- Admiring another man’s muscles at the gym
- Going to the mall “just for fun”
Go ahead – embrace your man infraction and tell your fellow men all about it. Put your answer in the comments section below. AND DON’T BE ASHAMED, PUSSY! We’ve all got something. So what have you got to lose? You already lost your Man Card just by doing whatever is was that you did. Plus, this is the Internet. So, if you want, use an alias or something and none of your actual friends will ever have to know.
Get it off your chest. Trust me, it feels great.
Comments
The Muscle
August 4th, 2009 - 12:41:21 PM
You cuddle with animals because they are so irresistibly cute and then have the fucking audacity to call me a PUSSY? Listen up Chico, I don't know what kind of limp wrist-ed jetta driving zima drinking homos write this shit but my man card is in fucking tact. * Watching figure skating Figure what the fuck? Are you shitting me? Whoever admits to this truthfully put in your address I'd like to poop on your lawn and punch you in the face. * Taking baths Apparently you've never killed fiddy men in a row via spinal cord separation. After that kind of exercise a nice hot (read:boiling) bath is just what your muscles need to relax. Muscles you know, those things you get by doing more than being a keyboard jockey all fucking day. And no you don't have to be a roided out blown out haircut jersey guido to have muscles. Which by the way don't fucking impress me chico, show me that you are functionally fit and then I'll give you some props. * Going to the mall “just for fun” This doesn't make you less of a man. It makes you 13 years old. Seriously I was interested in this site for the split second it took me to read the site name "MANolith" but christ with articles like this...Is this the cosmo for men? For the love of all things holy ladies lets those nuts drop! "But muscle I don't know HOW to be more manly." Buck up kid the muscle is generous today, let me give you a piece of easy advice. Grab your favorite wing man. Go to pub. Order beer (and god damn it if you ask for anything domestic other than killians or a micro brew I'm smacking you). Fuck a whore or two. Thank wingman for any potential end of days fallout he may have had to deal with. Rinse and repeat for a few days until you have the urge to hit a man much bigger than you. Go out and do so.
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Jerry
August 5th, 2009 - 4:38:01 PM
'The Muscle' is probably the biggest pussy on here. I'm sure he's just a nerd in a basement somewhere, who talks all tough. The rest of us men need to get back to work...and cuddling animals...
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The Muscle
August 11th, 2009 - 11:58:08 AM
@ Jerry. Sir you see what your problem is? You don't understand the true lore that comes with accepting the title of "the muscle" from your peers. I assume your insecurities stem from your love of all the things on this list which clearly do not interest real men such as myself. How dare you, I urge you to turn back around in your bar stool and continue nursing that zima before you get e-muzzled up chief.
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Bud
August 15th, 2009 - 7:39:19 AM
Yes, Jeff, you are correct sir! Their is an Authentic Man Card out there waiting for every Man in the world to claim. OfficialManCard.com issues the Worlds only Authentic Man Card. It is a credit card style Man Card and comes with Your name, Flag of your choice, Unique member number, Certificate of authenticity (to frame) and two revoke cards, just in case one of your buddy's screw up. If your buddy does screw up, you can visit our Man Card Revocation system (OfficialManCard.com/Revoked) and broadcast to the Man Card Community his offense, and have them vote whether he is worthy of revocation or not. Thanks for the link, Stay Manly My Friend!
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D2
May 5th, 2010 - 10:37:53 PM
Today I actually got my man card revoked "until further notice" in front of several other males at work. I work at a sandwich joint, and on Wednesdays I am assigned to wash dishes. So this week I decided to bring in some washing gloves to help wash faster and protect against the abrasive scrubby-thing. Bad idea. I had rushed out of the house with them at the last minute, and when I put them on at work I noticed just then that they had a small floury trim. It wasn't very noticeable, but then again my coworkers notice everything. I really opened a bucket of worms today, and I'm never wearing that pair again. So, do you think this merits a revoked man card, or were my coworkers being unfair?
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Rich
May 24th, 2010 - 11:31:23 AM
I currently live 600 miles away from my hometown, coincidentally in the same city where my best friend from my childhood moved to. He ended up getting killed in a car accident here when I was 13, and I've always wondered now what intersection was it, and what he would be doing nowadays, etc. I moved here for a job and didn't know anyone else here except his family, and thought it would be nice if he was still around, we'd be hanging out etc. Anyway, shortly after I moved here I went back home for my cousins's wedding. He has been one of my best friends and I was one of his groomsmen. Well, I got really drunk and don't remember much, but I do remember at the end of the night talking with my mom about my lost childhood friend, and really balling. It felt like two hours, but I have no idea how long it really was. Eventually my wife took my passed-out ass home, and that is how I lost my man card, and why I don't drink anymore.
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