Britain’s most senior policeman issued an investigation last Thursday on journalists at Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World. For what, you ask? Why, because the head of the paper was conspiring to hack the cellphones of celebrities and public officials. And who are these notable officials? Well, one is Gwyneth Paltrow. Really, that’s the top of the mountain. That’s all that matters to me. Is some techno-whizkid tried, unsuccessfully, to hack Gwyneth Paltrow’s phone. And also George Michael’s. This is obviously a cyberpunk conspiracy to infiltrate the secretly guarded inner circle of people who haven’t put out work in a decade. And even then, were inexplicably popular. Other notable figures who had their blackberries popped were former deputy Prime Minister John Prescott, former culture secretary Tessa Jowell, and celebrity cook Nigella Lawson. That sounds like a cracking roster. But for our purposes, we will imagine tech-conversations, notes, and twitters sent from the phones of George Michael and Gwyneth’s phone. Because you have to be desperate to hack the tech of the most annoying people working in showbiz.
Gwyneth will be OWGOOP42 (Oscar-Winner Gwyneth Paltrow, and an arbitrary number.)
George Michael will be FAITHBOI6969 (You know he would be.)
OWGOOP42 Sometimes, I want to break up with Chrissy. Then I realize he’d put out a double album, and it wouldn’t be worth it.
OWGOOP42 My baby is named Apple. Sometimes, I wonder, if I were in a plane crash, and it was just me and her, would she eat me, given the chance? To be eaten by my apple. Oh, kismet. You are a capricious sprite.
OWGOOP42 I’m hungry. So hungry, I could eat Moses. You didn’t see that coming, DID YOULOL.
OWGOOP42 I wonder if the world realizes this is all a scheme for a buddy-cop movie on Christian symbolism.
OWGOOP42 Chrissy asked me what he should call his next album. I jokingly told him, “Music for suburban shoppers.” I think he’s still crying.
OWGOOP42 Yes, he’s still crying. His tears scare Moses.
OWGOOP42 I hope Chrissy doesn’t write a song about Moses. Moses is a hard name to rhyme.
OWGOOP42 I got it. Roses for Moses.
OWGOOP42 Poses.
OWGOOP42 Wait a minute, Apple is harder.
OWGOOP42 APPPPLLLEEEEEE. YOU MAKE ME SNAAAAAAP AND…..CRACCKKLE. Here comes the breakdown.
OWGOOP42 Am7, G, F
OWGOOP42 YOUSE MY APPLE. Coldplay it up. Add an AWOOOOO. AWOOOOSE MY APPLE.
OWGOOP42 How long do I cleanse for? Three weeks? Really? Haha. Jews have it easy.
OWGOOP42 Somebody asked me what my first big break was today. I wonder what she’d do if I just said, “SKANKNOSES!” and punched her.
OWGOOP42 It was Oprah, if you’re wondering. That’d be a firestorm Ron Howard couldn’t put out.
OWGOOP42 Oh god, I sound like that girl from Juno.
OWGOOP42 You know what I’ve realized? Breaking wind in Spain is vastly superior to doing it in America. The waitstaff don’t even complain when you hold them down.
FAITHBOI6969 I think somebody stole my Blackberry. I bet it was Fred Durst.
FAITHBOI6969 Watching Arrested Development reruns. That kid’s going to be pigeonholed, innhe?
FAITHBOI6969 I watched Gothika today. It was a shit movie, but you know what? Gothika has Halle Barry. Guess who Halle Barry was in a music video with?
FAITHBOI6969 It was Fred Durst. She was in a music video with Fred Durst.
FAITHBOI6969 I logged onto the internet today, and guess who has a sextape out?
FAITHBOI6969 It was Leighton Meester.
FAITHBOI6969 But you know who also has one? Fred Durst.
FAITHBOI6969 That doesn’t even sound like a name, does it? More like consonants strung together by your alcoholic dad.
FAITHBOI6969 Watched Zoolander today. This is good weed.
FAITHBOI6969 I wonder if Fred Durst smokes weed.
FAITHBOI6969 God, I hate my life.
(Photo By: Jared Purdyand Insasse)
Comments
juliana
July 31st, 2009 - 11:59:25 AM
You're a bit abusive, aren't you? Why on earth are you lashing out against the victims? These people, you, and everybody else, have the right to their privacy. I wouldn't like having my private life exposed like that. And George Michael has just finished a Tour and played for 1.8 million people. He's also released records in 2004 and 2006. More than most of us do.
Mishy
August 1st, 2009 - 5:16:50 AM
Mark Lorenz you are a blight on society saying things like that. I grew up listening to George Michael and to this day ( I'm 40 btw ) I can still listen to him all day. He is in no way annoying and ppl need to just leave him alone. It's pretty bad when sweet, innocent ppl like him gets dragged thru the mud for money. and that is the bottom line. ppl like you get money for exploiting ppl that just want to be left alone. They are the victims and ppl like you sir are the cannibals. get a life, a real job, and quit trying to get rich off of other ppl's problems.
Julie
August 1st, 2009 - 5:59:09 PM
What rock have you been hiding under for the past "decade?" George Michael released two singles in 2002; an album ~ Patience ~ in 2004; two singles (which includes a duet) in 2006; kicked off an incredibly successful stadium and arena tour that began in Sept. of 2006 ~ which took him throughout Europe twice and North America ~ and finished in Abu Dhabi in December of 2008; a greatest hits compilation was released, as well as being featured in Eli Stone ~ an American television sitcom in 2008. Hope you feel like an idiot.....not only without having the facts before you decide to "write," ~ but, by "writing" on a topic that clearly targets the victims and their privacy.
Jim Thomas
August 4th, 2009 - 10:28:00 PM
Mark you are hilarious. Any fool ( yes me) can see you are making a joke. WTF cares if these celebs got their phones hacked. Juliana Mishy and Julie you are a trio of F%$#@ airheads. BTW Yes I do like George Michael and his music.