There is a long list of attributes that make a woman desirable: physical beauty, personality, the way she speaks, the way she dresses, and on and on. But one trait must surely outshine all the rest: unattainability. There’s nothing hotter than the girl you can’t have. And who are the ultimate avatars of this? Why, video game characters, of course.
But within the ranks of game characters, what’s sexy suddenly becomes a matter of mere taste. Your list will be different than mine, and mine from everyone else’s. But maybe it’s enough to have a list in the first place as a stepping-off point. So: The Top 10 Sexiest Video Game Women, in no particular order.
Shahdee from Prince of Persia: Warrior Within
We start our list with the only outright villain to make the cut: Shahdee, a ruthlessly cold assassin who works for the Empress of Time. It’s easy to see why she’s part of this feature — just look at her! Even given the hyperbolic standards of video game aesthetics, her outfit is just a bit this side of appropriate for the setting. We’ll use her to represent the kind of sexy that’s enabled by nothing more than a skimpy outfit; others in this category include Soul Calibur‘s Ivy, and most of the female characters from the Dead or Alive series.
Cortana from Halo
You just know that once we get decent holographic technology, someone’s going to make a real-life Cortana. Who could resist a sassy, willful, spunky blue artificial intelligence like her? Being entirely incorporeal, she was for all intents and purposes little more than a figment of Master Chief’s imagination once inside his neural network. But she was no less playful or flirtatious for all of that, and there’s no doubt that many players went to bed dreaming of having a Cortana of their own to play with inside their own minds.
Taki from Soul Calibur
Ahh, we love women who could destroy us in a fight. Though let’s face it: if Taki were running at us with a sword, we’d likely do little more than stare longingly before she cut us down like the dogs we are. Taki in the game is nothing less than serious, committed, and exceedingly efficient, though one has to wonder if she paid any attention during Ninja School to the section where they talk about how to dress in order to avoid detection.
Tifa Lockheart from Final Fantasy VII
One of the most popular video game sex objects of all time, Tifa combines the qualities of a kick-ass fighter with a winsome, adorable quality. When not actively beating heads in, she could be counted on to follow Cloud around and shyly ask him questions about himself, clearly trying to get with him. The fact that he didn’t realize this until nearly the end of the game proves that it’s possible to take the enigmatic emo act just a bit too far.
Yuna from Final Fantasy X
Man, Square knows how to make hot women, don’t it? Yuna embodied that Girl Next Door quality that makes you want to protect her just as much as want to kiss her. It may seem strange to consider spirituality as a sexy trait, but Yuna managed to pull it off. In fact, her steadfast devotion to her calling is part and parcel of what makes her so attractive. Not to mention her mismatched eyes and soulful gaze. Note: let’s not mention the Yuna from FFX-2; the original it the girl for us.
Samus Aran from Metroid
Samus — hardly the most feminine-sounding name in the galaxy. And the suit does such a good job of hiding any hint of identity that we all assumed the protagonist of the Metroid series was a man, until the end of the game, when she reveals herself at last. Even 8-bit Samus was enough to get our young minds fantasizing, and clearly the product of all that energy resulted in zero-suit Samus years later. Strangely enough, she’s the only blonde to make this list, but c’mon, she can do the ball thing, man — that’s hot.
Sarah Kerrigan from Starcraft
Oh Kerrigan, we’re so sorry. She had the sexiest voice, but the smallest sprites. Yet that voice was enough to bring her to life and made us yearn to be with her — too bad she was betrayed by own own side, left for dead, only to return later as a horrifying human/Zerg hybrid who was still somehow sexy despite her grotesque insectile appearance. And now she’s the Queen of Blades, bent on reducing mankind to nothing more than a fading memory — yet you’d still do her, wouldn’t you?
Morrigan Aensland from Darkstalkers
Morrigan is the kind of girl your mother definitely warned you about, as did your local parish priest. Did you ever think you’d fall for a girl with bat wings growing out of her head? Well, you did, and it’s not hard to see why. Not only is she busty to beat the band, her legs are long enough to kick the back of her own head, her green hair is lustrous and thick, and she’s always touching herself somewhere. But what did you expect from a succubus? What, you thought she was just that into you?
Chun-Li from Street Fighter
Oh man, those thighs. Thighs that could crush a man’s skull — and leave his corpse with a smile still on its face. Honestly, this space was a toss-up between Chun-Li and Cammy, but the former won for being sexy almost despite herself; Cammy’s much more aggressively pandering to the libido. But you just can’t pass up the classic white lace-up boots/black stockings combo, can you? Yatta, indeed.
Bayonetta from Bayonetta
The most recent addition to video games (so recent, in fact, that her game hasn’t even come out yet) hits so many of my hot buttons that I can’t even look at her for too long before needing to go spend time in my bunk. She’s got a hot voice, a long, lean body wrapped apparently in her own hair, is a master of a variety of weapons, and hits the sexy librarian itch just right. In fact, Bayonetta kinda looks like what Sarah Palin — and the rest of us — only wishes she could be.
And there you have it; feel free to drop comments telling me how wrong I am by my exclusion of Cate Archer or Joanna Dark.
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