Nissan’s Battery Factory a Go : History of the Electric Car

By Mark Lorenz on July 30th, 2009

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Nissan, using the federal funds earmarked to them by the US government, is planning on building a 1 billion dollar lithium ion battery factory in Smyrna, Tennessee. Though Smyrna sounds like the name of a planet George Lucas came up with on a coffee bender, this is a huge step forward in the development of Electric Vehicles, the production of which has gone on and off since I was in fourth grade. I’m sure it’s gone on since before then, but that’s the first time I recall seeing an electric car. It was in a brochure; a van which looked like two boxes stapled together. Since then, the technology should’ve grown by leaps and bounds, but it hasn’t. So here’s an imagined timeline for the electric car, and reasons why the technology failed. (I’m not calling them EV’s, because Wall-E is so close to my heart.)

2750 B.C.

What Happened? Ancient Egyptians first wrote of shocks from electric fish, or “the Thunderers of the Nile” in hieroglyphs. I imagine they look something like the creationist fish, killing someone hauling limestone. Thankfully, ancient Egyptians had friends who were sensible enough to record their foibles in eloquent carvings. Which is probably better than the verbal exchange of, “STEVE, YOU JACKASS, STOP STEPPING ON THE GLOWING WATER.”

Why did it fail?

It was ancient Egypt. And they were electric fish, which, to this day, nobody’s been able to figure out how to harness the power of. Except MGMT, girl. Let’s you and me make electricity.

1750’s A.D.

What Happened? Benjamin Franklin and Zeus, two of the world’s most notorious players got together for a love-in. Franklin actually auctioned his possessions to fund his studies of electricity, which is impressive, considering they probably weren’t his possessions, just stuff women he was banging left over accidentally. Since we don’t know what he auctioned off, we’ll assume it was 200 toothbrushes. And petticoats. Franklin may have never conducted the infamous experiment where he flew a kite in a rainstorm, as he was a sensible man. And attempting to replicate that experiment killed Prof. Wilhelm Richmann, who would never again strike fear in his students with his terrifying name. It also made him the first to die while conducting electrical experiments, when lightning HIT HIM IN THE HEAD. DIRECTLY. IN THE HEAD. What are the odds? What’s that? He was holding an insulated rod in a storm? Pretty good, then. Never mind.

Why did it fail?

Cars were an afterthought at that point, which is a good thing, because Benjamin would’ve probably had a lot more British-loving illegitimate children if he could figure out how to put the backseat down.

1842 A.D.

What happened? Thomas Davenport and Robert Davidson, an American and a Scotsman, respectively, created more “practical” electronic vehicles. As in, they weren’t batteries strapped to a horse. They also weren’t rechargeable. Which means, it was one of those inventions you made for show, because after you demonstrated it, you had to haul the car back to the lab, and replace the battery, which was the size of a refrigerator. But the idea was brewing. Scotland and America could finally unite over something other than capitalism and manly beards.

Why did it fail?

Even though, at that time, electric cars were setting distance and speed records, they remained a novelty, a commodity, playthings for the super-wealthy. Production of electric cars was actually commonplace, and peaked in 1912. Interestingly enough, they were marketed to women, because they ran quiet, clean, and easy. Yeah, girl. That’s what woman like. Things that are quiet, clean, and easy. Like the inside of houses. Or dudes that shop at the GAP.

1920’s to 1980’s

What happened? Well, nothing, really. Oil tycoons were swimming in gold and building rockets to send poor people into space. Cars that ran on oil were cheaper, and America now had a system of roads, which would be conveniently renovated for the next 500 years.

Why did it fail?

Guess what?! Gas is not a never-ending resource! Santa doesn’t exist! Turns out, gas is made from fossil fuels, which is made from dead animals from millions of years ago. So don’t mercy kill your pets so your great grandchildren can have a better life. Try as we may, we can’t revive dinosaurs to kill them again. We can, girl, but they’ll take Samuel L. Jackson and Newman with them first.

Today

What happened? The world realizes the majority of fossil fuel is located at the cradle of life, in the Middle East. Or in South America. And that oil companies will lie like crazy ex-girlfriends to hike prices up. “There’s internal strife in oil-rich regions.” “It’s hard to transport without extra pipelines. I took your credit card.” Federal funding is allocated for the R&D of new and exciting electric cars, and it appears to be catching on. The other day, I saw a Tesla roadster racing through Sherman Oaks. Which made me excited. Imagine what Tesla would do if he could drive a roadster made in his name. He’d probably run over Edison.

Why did it fail?

Hopefully, it won’t. Girl.