For months now, you’ve been inundated with people smoking cigarettes in malls, and douchetastical bars like the Velvet Margarita, that aren’t actually cigarettes. They are electronic cigarettes, designed to deliver nicotine, while only emitting water vapor. Well, guess what? They’ll kill you. According to the FDA, who have been analyzing the cartridges, traces of the same elements found in anti-freeze populate the pack. So, to elucidate this in a run-down, here is what happens when you buy electronic cigarettes.
1. You pay $200 dollars for a cigarette you charge in a wall outlet
Yes. You read that right. 200 dollars. And you charge it in a wall, or a computer, using USB chargers. Proving to the world, you are intelligent enough to be tech-saavy, but dumb enough to keep smoking. Also, wall outlets are sometimes the only way to light real cigarettes if you’re as poor as I am.
2. You smoke electronic cigarettes
This seems fairly straightforward. You put the cigarette in your mouth, and smoke it. Only it’s not. You have to refill it with cartridges, like a hungry Nintendo. Anything that has cartridges automatically negates you being a rebel. Which is the whole point of smoking in the first place.
3. You die
Because you believed a dude in a mall, that a product will magically give you drugs without any of the bad side effects. Which is a lie. Don’t believe that man. His facial hair should indicate to you that he’s a liar.
The only time I saw someone using one of these, was clearly, to open women. So let that be a lesson. If you think of lame ways to get people’s attention, you will die from inhaling antifreeze. This is not a Brave New World. We don’t have e-drugs that are effective. Yet.