Now, I assume you are wearing “the pants” when you read this. Or maybe “the shorts”. Or possibly you are a free spirited individual who appreciates the wind through their hair. I won’t pun that. You are a pun in and of yourself in that case, but I digress. Chances are you are having to either undo a set of buttons to access ones man parts or you utilize a zipper. This is an important part of your day. And what does that say about you? We at Manolith once again tackle the tough issues about ones tackle-box security. Simply put: which is better – button fly or zipper?
We build a case for both.
You are the kind of person that enjoys the easy and swift open-and-close mentality of getting to your genitals. You don’t mess around. You do not deal with the small things, you only deal with the big picture and are ready to head into battle at any point.
Great Zipper Men:
- Burt Reynolds. Burt never fucked around. Burt just does. Gotta go? Then go. Gotta jump a bridge in a car? Then go. Gotta get with Sally Field? Then… well, that’s all you.
- Horatio Alger. Once again, this is a guy that appreciates the big picture. He was an idealist. He was also a made up character, but for the point of conversation he was a highly accomplished individual with big ideas and a large, elephantine penis that could not deal with the minutia of a button fly.
- Bill O’Reilly. O rly, O’Reilly? O rly. The guy hates freedom so much only a full line of metal casing could keep his penis in such a Fort Knox-ian stronghold.
- Joan Of Arc. Joan Of Arc was not a man, but a woman. To protect her secret, she fashioned tiny metal teeth. Fancy that. You were expecting a pun? I have no pun for you here.
- John Wayne: John Wayne was a mans man, and a mans man uses only zippers.
The gentleman who prefers the button fly is more easy going, more of a free spirit, and allows things to happen to him rather than blah-blah-blah you get the point.
Great Button-fly Men Of History:
- John Lennon. John was the kind of person that button fly jeans were made for. He would often leave one or sometimes two buttons undone and place a flower in a button hole and walk around parties. He didn’t really. But I like to think he did.
- Ghandi. Ghandi was oft seen wearing a robe, but if you look closely? Entirely held together by button-fly.
- Hitler. Hitler was not a “great man”, but a bad man. But before being a bad man, he was a bad artist who painted bad paintings. After spending thirty seven minutes trying to do up his final button on his button fly with one hand as he painted a river, he became insane and decided to eliminate a race of peoples. This was all a giant misunderstanding and a poorly documented part of modern history.
- Bill Gates. Bill Gates’s button fly was as open and giving as the man himself. A little known fact is that Bill was once a talented stunt car driver who drove under the mysterious moniker “Windows XP”, but was fired after crashing for no apparent reason three times in one hour when asked simply to perform a simple task.