“Rapper”, “Director” and functioning member of the human species, Fred Durst, got married yesterday to his vaguely long-time girlfriend Esther in Las Vegas, Nevada. As a result, the slogan “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas” has been changed to “What Happened In Vegas? Seriously? You’re Joking”.
Yes, it is true. The “Rollin’” singer got hitched. After announcing to the world via his Twitter account in April that – yes – he has found a woman to spill his seed in and to be his lawfully wedded wife, the guy got married this past weekend to his girlfriend Esther Nazarov, who I’d like to note has a great Scrabble name. After the ceremony, Fred and Esther (God, with those two names together they should open up a store) dined at a steakhouse and watched the ‘O’ show at Cirque Du Soleil. There is no word as to whether the crowds mouths were agape due to the flexible Asian men in spandex contorting their bodies or due to the fact that the guy that “did it all for the nookie” did actually “get the cookie”. Those are actual lyrics. A grown man wrote those. And then he told us to stick that cookie up our asses. Furthermore, the guy named an album “Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavored Water”, a reference not only to buttholes, but also to – allegedly – semen. And he sold that album to children. What a guy.
No hard feelings, Fred. The late ’90s were a strange time for all of us, let alone yourself as the lead singer of a major label rock band. I’m glad you’ve since stopped wearing red baseball hats and have settled down. However, you ushered in a level of unabashed steak-headedness not seen since the heady days of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. And for that, the world will never forgive you.