Books You Shouldn’t Read on a Kindle

By Mark Lorenz on July 17th, 2009

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If you took a gander at Amazon.com today, you’ll see that they knocked the price of the Kindle down to $299. If you’ve never seen the new generation Kindle, it’s worth it to look at. My mom puts all of her young adult literature on it, so she can twihard. With a vengeance. In honor of the price drop, here’s a list of books one should never read on a Kindle, and how they’d be advertised.

1. The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra

by Lance Dane

Written by Lance Dane, notable male porn actor, your Kindle’s long battery life will enable you to read it for days. Possibly years, until you actually engage in intercourse. Just like the Kindle, you can read for days without recharging. And when you do, Kindle’s 16 shades of grayscale will be able to properly instruct you as to how to pleasure the genitals of the shocked woman you led to your motel. She may be alarmed by the glowing under the sheets, but you can reassure her, that it’s just Kindle’s backlight, not as a result of your experience with fission. Should the Kama Sutra not adequately provide enough instruction and fun for the two of you, Kindle holds over 1,500 books. And one or two of them will help you in your quest to get laid. Maybe an anthology of Sufi poetry, or Nelson Mandela’s bestselling biography, Long Walk to Freedom. And to prep for your uphill battle, Kindle is as thin as most magazines, so you can hide it under the pillow safely, unless she does that thing where she puts it on her head and you can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying.

2. Walden

by Henry David Thoreau

Looking to lead a life of simplicity, reclaiming the basest of human emotions and instincts? Looking to get away from the hustle and bustle of the outside world? Looking to get closer to nature? Kindle can help you do that. Reclaim your spirituality with Kindle’s wireless 3g connectivity when you’re wrestling bears for salmon. There are no wireless bills. Which means no paper. Which means more trees for you to attach hammocks to and swing from. Can you not identify the insect that was sucking the blood from your toes last night? Kindle’s got a book for that. And sometimes life can be hard, which is why Kindle can magnify words to make it easier on your eyes. Because you’ve got sunsets to watch. Kinda.

3. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

screenplay by James Cameron

A tale of machines and man’s obsession with technology gone horribly wrong can be read absolutely crystal-clearly on your Kindle. In fact, have your Kindle read it to you. Slowly. Kindle’s soothing robotic voice will make James Cameron’s screenplay come alive as the T-1000 tries to destroy John Connor and everything he’s held dear. In fact, the Kindle doesn’t even require a computer. So when the uprising comes, you can sit with a tattered e-copy of this sci-fi classic and dream of a future Utopia. You could also read Utopia. But that book is old, and it’s the future. You don’t have that kind of time. In fact, time is something we’re all running out of.

4. Skinny Bitch

by Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman

Are you too tired cooking and walking and breathing to actually pick up a paperback? Then safely peruse your Kindle as you read a manifesto on Vegan anorexia. And your Kindle is light enough to take with you, so if you want to travel, you can go to Los Angeles, the mecca of Vegan anorexia, where they make their pilgrimage every pilot season. Admire Kim’s no nonsense advice on eating and how the government tries to force processed meat down your throat like erotica penned by Oscar Meyer. Marvel at how witty her view on life is, and start looking fabulous, thin, and white, like the woman on the cover. Also, Kindle.

5. The Technological Society

by Jacques Ellul

This manifesto outlining the ways technology diminishes our humanity can sometimes be a heavy read, but Kindle can now turn pages extremely quickly. Enjoy this French anarcho-Christian philosopher’s musings on how man has been reduced and thrown around wherever the technical system they belong to finds them the most useful. Like Kindle. The most useful technical system you can throw around.