What Your Fetishes Say About You

By Ned Hepburn on July 16th, 2009

• Share
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 12 Comments

You’re a man. You have fetishes. Oh really? You wanna bet? Poke around the contents of your browsing history. Yeah, we thought so. Well, if you must know, her name is Henry and she’s a Brazilian lumberjack. Besides that, there’s an abundance of pornography out there and so we thought we’d highlight just what is wrong about some of these mainstream fetishes:

Foot Fetish

Clearly you have too much free time on your hands. Who has a foot fetish anymore? That’s some 1970s shit you’ve got going on there. So I suppose you’re into “high arches” and shit like that from the fifteen minutes I spent googling your kind. It’s just not right. Feet are stinky. You learn that when you’re like 5-years-old. It’s like having a Tater Tots fetish.

The weirdest part is that its got some really weird porn. Like, stamping on raw meat. Ok. Really. The worst part is that you know different people auditioned for a part in one of those weird foot fetish porn and GOT TURNED DOWN and then they went home and got really pissed at themselves for not getting a part. That’s the sad part. Somebody probably lost sleep over this.

Big Boob Fetish

Oh, really? Is it cloudy up there on your pedestal, Mister Big Boob Fetish Guy? Looking down on all the smaller boobed women of the world because you made some lofty decision along the line to enjoy large boobs? Yawnsville: Population You. Everyone likes big boobs. I bet you also enjoy “walking” and “having conversations” too.

Redheads Fetish

As anyone that has dated a redhead can attest to, they all seem to think that they are one ballad short of a Bonnie Rait album. Redheaded women are rad because they always get shit done with their days, but they also have a bone to pick with life because they have red hair (editors note: allegedly). So as to why anyone would be THAT specific to enjoy ONLY redheaded women can only make you wonder just what happened somewhere down the line. You know there’s been a couple lingering three-day long wine and Dayquil fueled sex fights with the redheaded assistant manager at Bennigans. Every redhead aficionado has had at least one of those “lost weekend” type of things happen to them.

Big Penis Fetish

Yes, there is a type of fetish – that straight guys have – where they like to see big wieners in their porn. Now what is up with that? Do you go to the chili cook off and order the sushi? Are you one of those “breakfast for dinner!” kind of guys? I’m presuming you also find prop comedy hilarious because there is nothing weirder than seeing what could be described as ‘Article X’ be inserted into any given orifice. I swear, some of those things look like they would beat you up in a dark alley.

Blondes / Brunettes Fetish

I love blondes. They’re so rad. It’s like every day for them is a Lisa Frank trapper keeper. Don’t get me wrong: they’re great. Again, I’m not sure why anyone would just get a thing for a certain type of hair color. Nobody wins Trivial Pursuit by answering just the blue questions. Brunettes are probably the safest bet: they are not as Early Pacino as redheads can be sometimes and they are not as Rip Taylor as blondes can be sometimes. But brunettes also all signed an agreement that says that at any given time they can become Satan. Again, why anyone would want to view Satanic pornography is beyond me.

“Mature” Women Fetish

Being into “mature” (read: old) women is a lot like liking the band U2. You’ll never tell anyone – but SOMEONE’S gotta be buying all those albums – it’s just that nobody likes to talk about it. Or maybe you’re like me and only really like a few U2 songs and can’t really get down with it anymore but you can appreciate them for what they were, not what they are now, which is old and wrinkly and keeps wearing sunglasses all the time. And then there’s the guy with the hat. Man, I’m not even sure if I’m talking about U2 or pornography anymore.

Teens Fetish

Do you even REMEMBER being a teenager? Do all your sexual fantasies revolve around fumbling for the bra strap and splitting the bill at the Olive Garden? If you’ve ever dated a teenager – and I’m talking about dating an 18-19 year old when you’re in your 20s – none of that “To Catch A Predator” shit. If you’ve ever dated a teenager in your 20s you’ll probably remember how awkward it is when you have no fucking clue what her ringtone is, you don’t have a clue who “Lady Gaga” is, and she thinks Samuel Beckett is the black guy from Pulp Fiction. It’s a win-win-lose situation.

Interracial Fetish

What the fuck? Is this 1953? Why are they making this something “taboo”? It’s not Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner. We can handle it. Black and white people hook up. It’s cool. Everyone that is worth giving a damn about got over that like 30 years ago. Now if someone could explain to me why they created a special genre of porn about it that’d be great. Really, Pornography? The whole interracial porn thing is supposed to be, “Oh, man!”? Still? Clearly I missed a memo somewhere.

Lingerie Fetish

Lingerie is equivalent to things you order off of infomercials and ‘interesting baby names’. It sounds like a great idea until you have it home and have to live with it.

Remarkably Dated Porn

We’ve all got that friend somewhere with the marvelously dated taste in porn. He’s hoarding 50,000 images taken over a three week period in 1997 of some blonde girl with a “Savage Garden” t-shirt on doing something insane with a tamagotchi over a coffee table. AND HE THINKS IT IS THE BEST THING EVER. It just goes to show, dear readers, you can take the guy out of the suburbs but you can never take the suburbs out of the guy.

(Photo By: Amatern and Emery)