Hollywood Must Die: Hong Kong Phooey

By Akela Talamasca on July 14th, 2009

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It really is amazing how little shame or self-awareness the flatulent, belching beast called Hollywood displays when searching for properties upon which they can base a new money-making franchise. By the end of your natural lifespan, every single tv show, book, or boardgame will have been turned into a film at least twice. It’s just inevitable, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t still rant about it.

To wit: “Hong Kong Phooey”. I know nothing more about this than that it’s considered in-production. Directed by Alex Zamm, the director who gave the world … let’s see … holy crap. Carrot Top’s “Chairman of the Board”. You guys may not be able to tell, but my frightened brain is crying right now.

But all that aside, let’s consider this. “Hong Kong Phooey” is the story of an anthropomorphic dog janitor who leaps into a filing cabinet to transform into his kung fu-wielding alter ego. Who, by the way, wears a small mask around his eyes. You know, to prevent people from guessing his identity.

And that’s pretty much it. The writers have carte blanche to turn this into a concern. If they want HKP to visit South America to stop the thriving human trafficking trade while searching for his lost sister, done. They’ll do it. It’s not kid friendly at all, but that won’t matter. This is a kung fu dog that speaks with Scatman Crothers‘ voice. Which, by the way, they’d better get right, because I guarantee you if there’s anything HKP fans expect from this thing, it’s going to be Scatman Crothers’ voice. Yes, I know he’s no longer among the living. That’s strictly bush league thinking, pal. You need to step outside the confines of your tiny world and embrace the ludicrous nature of this entire premise. When Hollywood wants something, not even death will hinder it. I weep for mankind.