The Four Most Useless Transformers Ever Invented

By Mark Lorenz on July 8th, 2009

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This weekend Michael Bay crushed records and, by proxy, the brains of everyone who has ever sat down in theaters and heard words. (Were this a lower blog, we would’ve made a pun about him blowing your minds. But this isn’t print media.) In honor of this monumental occasion, we’ve compiled a list of the most useless transformers that human (or alien) brains wrought from science. Enjoy.

4. First Aid, the Protectobot Ambulance

Ostensibly, transformers are supposed to be robots. In disguise. In DISGUISE. That is not the case with First Aid. The synthesis of First Aid went something like this.

Optimus Prime: We need our own in the emergency divisions of major metropolitan areas.
Mudflap: WE GOTS TO GET AN AMBULANCE, DOGG.
Optimus Prime: That’s good.
Mudflap: WITH, LIKE RED PAINT N’ SHIT.
Optimus Prime: Uh, generally, that’s what ambulances…
Mudflap: AND GIANT FUCKING CANNONS.
Optimus Prime: Wait, what….?
Mudflap: IMMA CALL IN IT RIGHT NOW.

And First Aid was born. First Aid is a member of the noble Protectobots, and has taken a Hippocratic oath to kill everything. Think of it this way. In times of distress, one always relies on emergency medical personnel and aid to act as anodyne. But how many of us, lying in recovery after a house falls on us from Laurel Canyon, has looked at an ambulance with giant cannons and gone, “Now I will make good time on the 101.” I have. Would earthquakes still happen if the red cross had giant cannons? Perhaps. But we could finally fight back. Even if First Aid was a functional ambulance, transforming would be terrible. Imagine the trauma of your grandpa being hit by a car, then being med-vaced to safety, only to be killed as the ambulance turns into a robot. It’d ruin your birthday.

3. Astrotrain, the Decepticon Space Shuttle/Locomotive

Ever hear the expression, a giraffe is a horse designed by a committee? Well, Astrotrain is a transformer designed by a monkey. It’d make sense if the two transformation functions had something to do with each other. Such as, oh, it’s a submarine that transforms into a shark. See what I did there? They both have to do with water. But this has nothing to do with each other. This is a combination of deep space and westward expansion. Picture a scene of astronauts being surprised by a foreign shuttle. They turn away for a moment to report it back to their respective space program, when suddenly, IT’S A TRAIN. PLUMMETING TO THE EARTH. Sure, it could turn back into a Space Shuttle for re-entry, but realistically, we’ve all seen how maneuverable space shuttles are. It might be better off just as a locomotive. Also, where would a locomotive fit in, these days? Is there much evil battling going on in Gary Indiana?

2. Blaster, the Autobot Boombox

You heard me. A boombox. There was a boombox, aptly named blaster. Which would be the perfect disguise. It would just sit on stoops in the 80’s, and watch humans do the robot. Nobody would think a robot would hang out with humans doing the robot. That’d be way too meta. To be fair, perhaps this was a way for the Autobots to infiltrate the inner city until Optimus Prime released his mix tape. Perhaps it was a ploy to get together with other Autobots, once Hispanic youth placed Blaster in the back of another cleverly disguised Autobot and made him play L’Trimm on repeat. Your guess is as good as mine. This is probably the most emasculating robot to be defeated by. When you’re a giant jet defeated by a boombox, it’s almost as bad as David beating Goliath. Almost. But with robots.

1. Slugfest, the Decepticon Stegosaurus/Tape Cassette

That’s right. A Stegosaurus/tape cassette. Imagine a child, looking at a tape cassette, saying, “I wish that would turn into a stegosaurus.” Then imagine said child getting medicated. Because he would be. There’s a cognitive disconnect there that can’t be bridged. A disconnect of extinct animal/outdated 80’s technology.

“Hey guys, I found a thylacine outside my house.”
“Aren’t all those dead?”
“This one turns into a Teddy Ruxpin.”
“….”
“What?”

There are other ridiculous tape transformers. In fact, there was a whole line of them. They transformed into a tank, a jet, a lion, a gorilla, a T-rex, and a Rhino. Yet, these all made some sense. These are all weapons of war. Even the gorilla. Dropped behind enemy lines, a gorilla would wreak havoc. It’s science. But a stegosaurus? What’s it going to do, repel missiles with it’s armored spine and gingerly eat grass? Bad form, Decepticons.