Fish With Beer Can Heads

By Paul J on July 7th, 2009

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Yesterday, I came home to find my roommate with one of those six-pack plastic can rings, cutting the loops apart with a scissors.  When I was little, my mom always told me to do this, because, as she said, “fish could get trapped in there.”  When I was little, I just accepted it.  But now that I’m older… this seems like the most retarded thing ever.

First, how do we know that fish get trapped in plastic six-pack rings?  Has anyone seen this happen?  I picture a scuba-diver, swimming along though polluted water when all of a sudden a fish swims up out of nowhere and gets itself caught in a can ring.  I can’t speak for all divers, but personally I’d think the whole thing was so funny that I’d lose my mouth piece and drown before I could tell anyone about it.  More likely, it must have been a fisherman who, pulling in his catch, yanked up a carp in a can ring.  Or, if things worked out just right, a whole 6-pack of tuna (zing).  Still, I see this as leading less to wide-spread environmental panic and more to a lucky morning and a good story for that fisherman.  I mean, he didn’t even have to use any bait.

Second, assuming this has happened, that fish must have gotten a ton of press.  Because seriously, what are the chances of a fish getting stuck in a can-ring? 

The odds against this must be monumental:

A) Who buys cans in a six-pack anymore?  Bud Light is cheaper by the case.

B) While I’m sure some garbage ends up in the ocean, but don’t we have, like, landfills or something?  I feel like there’s at least some kind of support not to just throw all our shit into the sea.

C) So let’s say 1% of all garbage ends up in the ocean, and .01% of all garbage is can rings (this might be a bit generous).  I know we Americans generate a lot of trash, but what is that, like ten can rings?  And even if a can ring did get into the ocean, wouldn’t a fish have to be exactly a certain size to get stuck in it?  Too small, and the fish just swims through.  Too big, and the can-ring just bounces off its head.  It would have to be a precisely-sized fish, shaped like a bowling pin or something, hitting the ring at exactly the right angle.  Also, not to split hairs about geometry, wouldn’t the fish have to be cylindrical… like, oh, I don’t know… a can?  I feel like most fish are more elliptical.  And let’s just say all these freakish conditions miraculously aligned at once.  You know what?  Maybe it was just that fish’s time.  Perhaps plastic can-rings are just Darwin’s way of telling fish not to be shaped like beer cans.

Third, so what if a fish does get a can-ring stuck around its neck?  The fish can’t survive this?  It can’t escape?  So the fish is like “Oops, got a can ring on me.  Can’t back up, can’t get another fish to chew it off.  Better just die.”?  It would be yet another coincidence to have the ring line up exactly over the fish’s gills, with exactly the right amount of pressure so that it can’t breathe.  I bet there are hundreds of fish swimming around right now with can-rings around their necks and doing just fine.  Unless, of course, a shark wants a six-pack (zing 2).  Perhaps it’s a fish anti-status symbol; fish dumb enough to get stuck in can-rings are less likely to reproduce, like the guy at the bar with toilet paper on his shoe.  Because who wants to have a sex with a fish with a can-ring around its neck?

And finally, even if there are fish dying terrible deaths or not getting laid because of errant can-rings… DOES ANYONE CARE?  In this age of nuclear waste, ozone holes and deforestation, is it really that big a deal if a couple fish get caught in a couple can-rings?  It’s not like they’re bald eagles or anything.  Which is an interesting idea, actually… if can-rings are such effective animal-catching tools, why aren’t they more widely used by fishermen and hunters?  I mean, why use a rifle when you can just snare an elk by laying out a bunch of can-rings on the forest floor?  Are there different sizes, for poachers?  Like really big ones, for cheetahs and elephants and things?  That would really be a testament to your poaching skills, if you were able to catch six grey rhinoceroses in a single can-ring.

But by all means, continue your valiant concern for the environment and cut up those can rings.  Because you never know when there might be six bald eagles, with head like bowling pins, flying around looking to die in the stupidest way possible.