TEH SEX: How to Pick Up Women

Many books have been written about how to pick up a woman. An industry has flourished around the idea that this is some kind of Herculean task. It’s not. This is all you need:

Be presentable

Before going on, consider you might bump into someone you want to hit on. Groom appropriately. The  squatter look is something of an… acquired taste for women. You don’t have to be super clean cut, but do shower and make sure you’re wearing something you didn’t just pick up off your floor. It sounds shallow, but the amount of attention you pay to your appearance is indicative of the amount of attention you’ll pay to other things—including your future interactions with us.

Oh, and if you’re eating beforehand, save the garlic and onion for another time. I read somewhere that in Minnesota, it’s illegal to have sex with breath that reeks of onions, garlic or sardines. I’m totally with them. Whether you’re eating or not, one word: gum.

Be confident

Confidence and cockiness are two different things. Confidence says you’d enjoy talking to me. Cockiness says, come ‘ere, shut up and listen to me. We can tell the difference. So before you walk over, remind yourself that you’re fucking awesome and chill out. This isn’t a “hunt,” this is about getting to know another human being. It may go somewhere or it may not, but either way, prepare to have a good time. That’s what you’re there for, whether you end up getting her number or not.

Be conversational

Pick-up lines are an instant fail. Here’s why: a pick-up line is about how clever you are. A conversation opener, on the other hand, is about actually getting to know someone else. Watch the woman you want to talk to for a second. If you can pick up on something relevant about her to bring up, that’s a good in. If you can’t, don’t sweat it: walk over, introduce yourself, then ask her for her name and what she does.

Be intuitive

It’s not uncommon for people to be a little guarded when approached by strangers out of the blue. Ease  into it with conversation, but keep an eye on her body language. If after some talking, it appears that she’s not really into it, take the hint and take leave. Don’t take it personally. There is nothing less hot than a man who takes disinterest personally and becomes aggressive with a woman when she doesn’t return his attention. Take it in stride, wish her a good evening and keep moving.

Be a listener

If she is into the exchange, keep going. It’s amazing, but being a good conversationalist has less to do with speaking than it does with listening. Pay attention. Relate comments she makes about things to topics that come up later in the conversation. Share a little about yourself, but don’t monopolize the conversation. She doesn’t need to know all the intricate details of your awesome (or worse, horrible) job. Match the level of details that she shares with you. If she’s into you, she’s perfectly capable of Googling you later. And trust me, she will.

Oh, and try not to mention other women. A first meeting is not the place to go over exes. And unless a woman who absolutely refuses to partake in a threesome is the embodiment of complete deal-breaker for you, I strongly recommend you keep that to yourself for now, too.

Be attentive

Chivalry may have died with Medieval Europe, but that’s no reason to ignore common courtesy. I judge men on whether they open the car door for me when I’m a passenger, for instance. I try not to. But I can’t help it. It implies you’re paying attention to me. All women are different, obviously, and some may not care as much or care more, but it’s better to err on the side of good form than rudeness.

Be into her

You’ve talked to her for a while, maybe bought her a drink. Tell her you’d like to get to know her better . If you were paying attention to what she was saying and not just staring at her tits, you’ve picked up on some of her interests. Don’t just suggest you do something she enjoys sometime and hand her your card. Ask her if she would like to join you that weekend and ask her for her number.

The most awesome thing a man has ever done while taking my number is told me exactly when he would be phoning me, without too much explanation, and followed through. In this fast-paced world, there is nothing less impressive than waiting by the phone.

Letting a woman know you’re into her is not desperate, it’s assertive. Just don’t, you know, blow up her phone every day between now and the day of the date.