The Manolith Guide To Making It In Hollywood

Here at Manolith we sit around and eat bon bons all day in our plush Santa Monica office, while all around us the business that is show runs as smoothly and as quietly as it ever has; with waiters-cum-actors of all sorts stepping off the buses from Indiana and the rest of the flyover states to come out to Los Angeles to strike it out and make it “big”. Statistically, its a 1 in 100,000 chance that they’ll get any more than a one line role on a third revival afterschool special on ABC Family. Add that to the stark realization that – yes – you are no longer in Kansas anymore – and you’re left with the kind of soul sucking emptiness best reserved for Japanese businessmen on three day sake and student binges in Las Vegas, used car dealers on the Interstate, and the waiting office at a Curves meeting.

BUT WAIT. There is hope. As I’m sure you know – any and all of the actors you enjoy had to go through the same thing. Much like being born, “making it” in Hollywood is a process that will bring you into a realization of yourself you could never have thought was possible due to your prenatal (read: pre-Hollywood) way of thinking. Yes, it as simple as following these directions.

1. Ditch all your shitty friends.

That’s right. All those guys back at home? The ones that were pulling for you, the ones that were saying “go make us proud!”? Yeah. Those guys. Fuck ‘em. At best they’ll be fodder for “how I made it” material on your very own “VH1: How I Made It” special. Because you, just by being a brilliant artist, are inherently better than them. You can create. What can they do? Real jobs with decent pay for decent work, and get married to women that they love? What? Real world issues involving babies and smiles and a nice house? You don’t need any of that. What you need is a wheatgrass shot and thirty minutes on your Bowflex™. That’ll show ‘em.

2. Cut off contact with your loving parents.

The same goes for your parents. They may have spotted you some cash but do you need them breathing down your neck when you strike it big? Who would you rather take to the Oscars (because believe me, buddy, you’re GOING TO THE FUCKING OSCARS): your Mom? Or That Really Hot Babe From The TV? If you answered ‘your Mom’ you should be taken out back and unceremoniously poked at with large sticks by the ghosts of failed actors, singers, and screenwriters past. Who takes their Mom to the Oscars? Matt Damon? Well what has he done right? Nothing. Clearly you need to be taking at the very least the third female lead from NBC’s Heroes. If you can’t swing that at least someone that knows someone who worked on Heroes.

3. Know People.

It’s all about who you know in Hollywood. Do you know a guy? Tell everyone about it. This is LA: just by sheer Kevin Bacon factology that guy must know some other guy that in some way knows _______. Fill that blank with your favorite actor, actress or director, and PRESTO CHANGO you’ve fucking made it – at least verbally – in Hollywood. You can get to “know” people by waiting outside of clubs and bars in the conveniently placed line where believe it or not everyone else in that line ALSO knows someone. That’s why those lines are there.

4. Change Your Wardrobe.

There’s a guy – Christian Audiger – that is clearly The Coolest Guy On The Face Of The Earth because not only did he take a staple of the counter culture in the car world like Von Dutch and make it into the chintzyest trucker hat business ever seen by human kind, but he also took a staple of the counter culture from the tattoo sphere – Mister Ed Hardy – who is a real person and a fine tattoo artist in his own right – and basically rake him through the sands of Shitty Cultural Assimilation. I’m sorry. What I meant to say by all of this is that you need to start dressing in whatever Christian Audiger throws at you. Pretty sure there’ll be a That Guy From The Melvins hair product line and heroin-soaked cordoroy shorts will be the new piece-du-resistance-pour-le-culture-Americainne. Be sure to cut all your shirts into V-necks, your pants must be bought for the price of a months rent in a flyover city, and…

5. Become Golden

You must be fucking TANNED, my friend. You must be looking not unlike you’ve been raised on a steady diet of carrots, carrot juice, oranges and other orange food products. You must become golden like a Greek Fucking God. You must become more tanned than any other person around you.

6. Eat Like You’ve Never Not Eaten Before

Sitting there reading this, your mind has at some point wandered to food. Well, bucko, not in LA. I hope you like soy. I hope you like the absence of taste. Because you are not going to eat real food until you step on that stage. Lettuce wrapped hamburgers? Bring them on, motherfucker. Soy hot dogs? FUCK YES. Quinoa? Fucking shit yes, brother. Slap it on the plate. If I can gag myself on health food products ad infinitum it surely must mean that I am indeed a full red blooded American male. It should be noted that red blooded American males should not live by macrobiotics alone – but you do not need to take heed of this until its 3am and you’re cruising the Sunset Strip with tears in your eyes trying to find an open taco truck.

7. Take Classes

If you’re an actor – the best advice you can take is usually the kind you spend a lot of money on obtaining. Should you meet a stranger who is attending a seminar with an attendance fee tantamount to your weekly grocery bill, you should attend. You should be throwing money left and right at people you do not know. Here is how Los Angeles works for you at this point: the more money you spend to impress people, the more they will think of you as a cool person with neat ideas and a fresh face – neigh – a “new Brando”.

If you are a singer – take to singing wherever and whenever you get the chance. Order that Bud Light with lime in a falsetto to the tune of any given Andrew Lloyd Weber song. Should you see a beautiful woman be sure to show her you are a triple threat (editors note: we mean ‘threat’ as a ‘threat to the industry!’ and not to – as you may have thought – the woman of mention) by singing, dancing, and whatever the third one is – oh, acting – her way into her pants. This may include a wild rendition of “We Will Rock You” complete with smoke machine and a laser light show. Then tapdance your number into her phone. She will not mind. Then you should act really, really cool*.

*Note: To act “really, really cool”, wear sunglasses and a leather jacket and go “Yo” a lot. This worked for the good people of New Jersey circa 1986 to 2006, and it should work for you, too.

8. Fate Is A Cruel Mistress

Clearly if you’ve made it this far down the list you’ve made it far in Hollywood. Now comes the easy / hard part: getting an acting job. You must stand near where famous and important (which are usually the same thing) people are going to be. This means that you must make yourself known. How does one make themselves known? Usually by being so badass that nobody knows what to do when you’re around. The more that people look at you in Hollywood, the more they care about you, and that, ultimatley, is what you are in this for. So whatever happens, make sure they look at you. Carrying a flashlight to shine on your face when walking down the street is a brilliant, brilliant idea especially when you are in a shady part of town.

9. Become Famous

If you’ve been following these last 8 steps for approximately 7 years you should by all means be incredibly famous by now. Everyone should know your name – usually by you telling them what it is without provocation in any given social situation – and everyone should know your face – usually because it is on the nightly news as drawn by an “artist” of a different kind than you – a police sketch artist – but an artist none the less. Be sure to collect all police sketches of yourself. The police already know who you are (!) and you should be able to waltz right into the station. Hopefully by now you have an awesome car and…

10. Date Above Your Means

… a brilliant exotic girlfriend. You can find these women all over Los Angeles. They do not need to own cars (for they are incredibly bohemian) and take to walking everywhere. Be sure to give these women as many rides as possible. Eventually, you will fall in love, and eventually, you will become boyfriend and girlfriend, and even though you are paying minibar prices to be with her night after night, it will be worth it because she loves you for you and not for your money. Nope. Not your money at all.

11. Bow Out Gracefully

By now you’ve become so cool and famous you have developed a serious personality disorder. No, not that kind. I’m talking about the disorder you have with other people’s personalities. Move to the hills and look down on these people. Spend all your free time with your new friends taking copious amounts of drugs because as we all know the more drugs you take the stronger and wiser you become. By now your agent and everyone else will have stopped calling you. It is now time to write a book. You have made it. You have made it to the highest point in Hollywood – the self made millionaire – and everybody loves you and everything you do. At least you think they do – and simply because you think so must inherently mean that it is true.

And that – dear readers – is how you make it from zero to hero. Everyone from DeNiro to Hoskins has followed these exact steps, and it is up to you to join them on that cloud up there high above the peons. You are a golden animal, a beautiful creature, an artist of the highest order. Be sure to take this to heart, for Hollywood is one hell of a town.