Manolith Reviews Transformers 2 Before Seeing It

I can’t wait to see the new Transformers  this weekend. But I want to get this review out of the way so I thought I would tackle it first and enjoy the movie with one less responsibility hanging over my head.

First and foremost, this movie most likely has very little to do with it’s source material. It is a movie consisting of Shia Lebouef and Megan Fox’s ramen noodles with a Transformers flavor packet stirred in after draining. And to a geek, when you see that the movie isn’t chiefly about giant robots fighting and plotting, the gig is already up. You already know you’re going to be disappointed.

It is directed by Michael Bay however so there could potentially be some decent over the top action. As a male 18-34, I probably appreciate this. There will be really loud noises and my seat will kind of rumble and I will be like “fuck yeah”. But those moments will be the bright rays of shining light in what will otherwise be a deep pit of jadedness as I watch wooden actors recite wholly unnecessary dialogue for up to twenty minutes at a time, waiting for the next robot fight.

Megan Fox will assuredly come with the hotness, and she will lean on cars and buildings with her stylishly disheveled clothes. She is what I will stare at while the plot grinds on like a canon raping whore of babylon.

Optimus Prime will do some really badass stuff and I will think he is pretty cool but also feel like they didn’t get the voice or attitude right. Most of the other Transformers will annoy me and I have the internet so I am already biased against the Jar Jar Binks characters.

There is a broad disparity between the Michael Bay treatment of Transformers and the childhood memories of a “core” fan. I grew up as a child preferring Transformers because they were made out of heavy metal and sharp edges and made excellent weapons. How does that transform into a hollywood movie, really?

Final Judgement:

2 1/2 arbitrary rating units out of 5 arbitrary rating units