Dear Jesus,
You have blessed us with great abundance, and we thank you. Moreover we thank you for those of us who have been blessed with a greater level of physical abundance, and especially for those who ride scooters. If this was Allah or Buddha’s idea, please pass along our gratitude.
Ok, enough of the sacrilegious poop, let’s get down to bidness. We don’t mean to make light of – oh crap, starting over. We don’t mean to make fun of morbid obesity. It’s a serious problem.
*serious face*
No, our chunky brothers and sisters face unique challenges, and we sympathize with their plight even as we honor their right to eat 100 tacos. However, even as the obesity problem grows in America, we at Manolith see a silver lining: more fat guys are riding scooters.
I know, I know; you’re wondering how I can think that that’s a good thing. I’ll tell you. Scooters are cute and kind of wimpy, not funny unto themselves, but ripe for use as a reagent for hilarity. Fat guys have funny in their DNA. You put the two together, and the contrast creates an explosion of comedy gold. It’s damn near impossible not to chuckle at the very least, unless you’re a joyless dick that is. It’s basic chemistry, people.
So maybe you are, in fact, a comedy curmudgeon and think it’s immature to laugh at a fat guy on scooter. But have you seen one lately? They’re fucking hilarious and inspiring at the same time. No car? No problem. No desire to walk? No problem. No more jumbo bags of Funyuns? Problem, and one that can only be solved by hopping on a comically undersized vehicle and zipping down to the 7-11. That’s grit. That’s a man’s man, despite what the pitiful sound coming out of his scooter will lead you to think.
Of course, it’s far more common to see an obese person riding one of those little Hoveround carts. These are not funny. These are still depressing and rude to stare at, and we need to make that very clear. To anyone who has lost mobility because of obesity, we wish you the best of health and a speedy recovery. We are even less interested in large people on Segways, or anyone on Segways, for that matter. You’re still a huge douche, but it’s not funny. But to fat guys who ride scooters, what can we say? I mean, why ride a vehicle that weighs less than you? Wouldn’t you want more wheels instead of less? Don’t take our questions as a challenge to your lifestyle choice; as far as we’re concerned, you can do no wrong. Having said that, though, it wouldn’t hurt if you put on a cowboy hat and rode in tandem with another large fellow dressed identically. Any way you slice it, though, (and we think you’re partial to thick slices), keep on scootin’, you magnificent bastards.
