The Most Brilliant Flowchart Ever To Find Out If You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend

By Ned Hepburn on June 15th, 2009

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Sometimes, folks, you just have to get rid of her. Maybe its because every time you hang out with your friends she stands off in a quiet corner giving you the evil glare of death. Maybe its because she brings up your ex girlfriends more often than you do (by the way: Man Rule #402… don’t bring up your ex girlfriends in front of your new girlfriend). Maybe, just maybe, it’s because she’s a wet blanket and sucks the fun out of everything.

Or really it’s just the end of the road. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not a damn thing. You just have to learn to get out when you figure that out. Most guys don’t figure it out until it’s six months too late and they’re staring down the wrong end of a ring receipt from the jewelry kiosk in the mall. It’s a wicked world we live in.

Here’s a handy flowchart to help you out.

1. Is she annoying?

• If Yes, go to 2.
• If No, go to 3.

2. Let’s talk in hyperbole here.

Is she annoying in the way that kittens can be annoying? Or the way that waterboarding can be annoying?

• If Kittens, go to 3.
• If Water Boarding, go to 4.

3. What the fuck are you complaining about?

Dude. Seriously. I’d kill for one of those right now. My last girlfriend acted like a jock from a John Hughes movie.

4. Oh man. Oh geez.

We’ve got a minor “baby in the well” kind of crisis on our hands. How long have you been dating?

• If more than 8 months, go to 6.
• If less than 8 months, go to 5.

5. So you haven’t been dating that long.

It’s all good. I think you’ve got enough where-with-all to take her to the Olive Garden and pitch her your two cents. These things happen. You met, you fell for each other, and then you fell out. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sure, there will be a few weeks of being bummed out and you should probably get some exercise or a bottle of whiskey (your choice), but you’ll be back on your feet in no time. No need to waste time with someone you don’t care care about.

6. 8 Months

is usually a good point of reference for ‘well, now we’re serious about each other’. So we’ve figured out that you think she’s “annoying”, but then again, we all think that to a certain degree about the people we spend a lot of time around. So what exactly are we dealing with here?

• If she hates your friends, go to 7.
• If you hate her friends, go to 8.
• If you are not allowed to form an opinion due to the fact that she controls everything you do, go to 10.

7. So she hates your friends.

Big deal. She’s not supposed to, really. If she got along with your friends as well as you do she’d be farting one second and grabbing The Last Beer In The Fridge the very next. And you’d hate that. So there is hope for you. Just allow for some more space between you and her. Guys are supposed to have guy time, and girls are supposed to have girl time. It’s as plain and fucking simple as that.

8. This is more complicated.

While she is allowed to have and verbalize every opinion about your manpanions, you are not allowed – plain and simple – to verbalize any opinion about her girl friends. Why? Look down. Because you have one of those. It’s just the rules, kid. We didn’t make them up. Now – a woman’s friends are likely to have formed an opinion of you. You’ve got to do some Lawrence Olivier shit to win them over. Act. Act like you’ve never acted before. Make them all cosmopolitans when they’re talking next time. Butter them up. Kill them with kindness. Pretty soon, you’ll have won them over, and thusly, your lady. AND THERE’S A BONUS! There’s a strong possibility that you may enter a second honeymoon phase of the relationship once she realizes just how much of a rad dude you are for remembering all her friends names, what they like to drink, and what their poor boyfriends names are (who don’t read Manolith and aren’t as smart as you and are still lingering in a silent hell).

9. If you got to 9

You’ve clearly not been paying any attention because there is no way in this flow chart to get to 9. Put down the bottle. It’s daylight out. Jesus. Walk it off, sport.

10. It’s just not worth it.

If she’s got your balls in a vice, it’s just time to gather what else left you have and hit the dusty trails. Dude, if you are not allowed to form an opinion about anything – if your bathroom has potpourri in it – if she made you buy a tiny asshole dog and name it anything with the prefix ‘uggles’ attached to its name – if you know the story arc of all the seasons of Sex And The City (I know, right? Charlotte was way more fucking banging than the rest of them IMHO) – if you’ve ever, under any circumstances other than a court ordered mandate uttered the phrase “I’ll have an O’Douls” in the 4 walls of your kitchen – then it’s just time to end it. I’m sorry. I know she has boobs. But if you stick around you’ll end up BEING a boob. Sorry, dude. Shit. If you run into any of us from Manolith and namedrop this article and the fact you got to this number 10, we’ll buy you a drink. I promise. It’ll be alright, Broseph. You’ll find another. There, there, pal. Something something “fish in the sea”.

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