The Jackson’s are an American dynasty thanks to brother Michael’s gigantic success as a solo artist and the Jackson 5’s ubiquitous presence in the 60’s and 70’s. But what about the rest of them?
5. Jack Jackson
With a name so good they named him twice, Jack Jackson failed to score a place in the Jackson 5. He now haunts the public libraries of Gary, Indiana, with a sheet over his head and two holes for eyes.
4. Calvin Jackson
After being named after the philosopher, Calvin escaped the Jackson family at a young age and spent many years roaming the Appalachians entirely backwards. He pioneered moonwalking, which he showed to a young and impressionable Michael. He was last seen walking backwards across the US / Mexico border, muttering something about “better drugs”.
3. Sandwich Jackson
Sandwich was named after his father – Jackson empresario Joseph Jackson – ran entirely out of names for his offspring. Sandwich was killed tragically when he and his sister, Windex, were stuck by a delivery truck ironically carrying nothing but sandwiches and cleaning supplies.
2. Sunny Side Jackson
Sunny was born to little fanfare in the late 70’s, and was born without a torso, arms, or legs. Her egg like appearance beget her namesake, and she a quiet but fulfilling life in the Ozarks until one day she had a great fall as she sat on a wall.
1. Evil Michael Jackson
Evil Michael Jackson was discernable from Regular Michael Jackson due to Evil Michael’s large, child-scaring mustache, until one day in 1989 when he shaved it off. At that point, nobody was able to tell the difference between Regular Michael and Evil Michael. Evil Michael is said to have had “an…. accident”, according to Regular Michael Jackson at a 1990 press conference, at which point Regular Michael rubbed his hands together and chuckled ominously before getting in an unmarked white van and heading to the nearest elementary school playground, armed with a bag of Doritos and a Teddy Ruxpin.
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