You can keep your Kate Beckinsales, and I want no part of your Keira Knightleys: the only cute-as-a-button British actress for me is Rachel Weisz. Okay, maybe I was being hasty. I’ll have a small slice of the first two, but where it comes to Rachel Weisz, I’ll take the whole fucking pie. With whipped cream. Metaphorically.
I can’t imagine what grounds you would have to objecting to her induction to the Chickolith pantheon, but if you do, I challenge you to watch that scantily-clad knife fight from The Mummy Returns and not go at least half-mast. I challenge you! Rachel is one of those girls who hasn’t quite broken through to the A-list despite the fact that you’ve seen in a million high profile or big budget movies. You know, movies like Constanine, Confidence, Fred Claus, Eragon… ok, her filmography is not the point. The point is she’s adorable and has bold but appealing eyebrows, sometimes strong and sometimes vulnerable lips, and a terrific body, okay? And she won and Oscar or whatever once, I guess.
So while you’re out watching Angels & Demons or Star Trek for the sixth time or Old The Legend of Zelda cartoons streamed on Netflix over a bowl of cereal you keep refilling, I will be watching Rachel’s latest film, The Brothers Bloom. I won’t be watching it for the plot or the tour-de-force performances, I’ll be collecting clues that will aid me in stealing her from Darren Aronofsky. Oh, and if you’re reading this, Rachel, I’ve got the ReddiWhip if you’ve got your costume from The Mummy Returns that is so very reminiscent of the Slave Leia costume. Or even if you don’t.