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There’s no denying the obvious: men have served a useful purpose in the evolutionary development of the human race. However, developments in science and technology are rapidly advancing, allowing women to slowly, but surely, replace the men in their lives. Are men destined to go the way of gills and the vestigial tail? Maybe not, but here are 12 ways in which men are becoming increasingly obsolete to the needs of women. |
Artificial Insemination
They say to be creative you have to “think outside the box,” but some of the best solutions come from doing just the opposite. Artificial insemination already means women can obey their biological clocks without ever having to be in a relationship with a man (awesome), and soon the day will arrive when he’s not needed at all. And for those who want to keep the romance involved, let’s talk turkey.
HGTV and Power Tools
For the longest time, the hardware store was a man’s domain. It was too complicated and unrefined for most women. There might be sawdust on the floor, unwashed laborers were likely to spit, and there was also the threat of having to do math. Then there was the revolution: HGTV. Complimented by clean mega-stores such as Home Depot and Lowes, women can now access tools and supplies in a way that can be as fulfilling as lingerie shopping. And with enough practice, women can now install Koi Ponds with waterfalls and the window treatments will likely match the new rug.
Bug Spray
It sounds so basic, but bug spray is not only one of the most underrated inventions of all time, but subversively is a huge blow to male entrenchment. Nobody likes bugs, but men do like to kill things. There are presumably entire relationships predicated on spider-removal. And so, the invention of bug spray was has a huge impact on male-female relationships: women no longer need men to step on the bugs while they stand on chairs. You’ve come a long way, ladies, and Raid helped.
Amazon
Women love getting presents, even if they have to buy them for themselves. With the advent of e-commerce sites such as Amazon.com, men no longer are needed to remember special dates and imaginary ‘just because’ situations. Women can even take it a step further if they want by pretending these gifts are from someone else. It is pure self-gratification.
Pepper Spray and Tasers
Once upon a time, women were afraid to be out alone at night without a male bodyguard. And the invention of pepper spray meant a new degree of freedom for women (and a whole new world of Chipotle). The next generation is that of the taser, beneficial not only for upping testicle-trashing power, but also great in that a woman never has to fear getting pepper spray on her clean shirt. They even come in pink.
Sex Toys
Surprising?
Chocolate
Enough said.
Massage Chairs
No one would be surprised to find out that millions of women put up with bad marriages just for the massages. Massage chairs are forever changing the art of massage. They now come stocked with all sorts of sophisticated gadgetry that effectively massage shoulders, back, arms, legs and a few other places. All while watching TV, surfing the web and monitoring the Nikkei Index. Bonus: it completely does away with the need to communicate with another person.
Windows Vista
One benefit of frequent male shenanigans is the constant disappointment of their female partners, and consequently, the provision of regular opportunities to yell. The screaming isn’t just for sport: it allows women to relieve stress and release endorphins, serotonin, adrenaline and possibly melanin. Enter Microsoft Windows Vista. With a dominant market share, Microsoft ensures that women will have endless frustration for the rest of their lives, and forever have something to get royally pissed off about. Think of it not as bitching, but rather as “preventative health-care.”
Global Warming
Men have been fairly handy as firewood choppers for a few thousand years now. Furnaces offered a solution, but water heaters are heavy and men were needed to move them. With the recent climate changes, this problem seems to be taking care of itself.
Gay Men
Women that have shopped with gay men (cyborgs?) conspire that there is science and precision related to how perfectly they can select outfits and accessories. Additionally, a woman’s gay friend loves gossip, and in most cases won’t borrow clothes and never return them (in most cases). Furthermore, these guys see no problem in staying in to watch American Idol with a small tub of Chunky Monkey, constantly opining on how they could turn Ryan Seacrest.
Openers
For as long as there have been jars and cans there has been a need for torque to remove tightly sealed lids. Men were good for this. But the can opener changed all that. First the mechanical metal utensil, and later the electric can opener. Today, a lid is but a mere annoyance for a woman, and the mechanical whir of the can opener is as soothing to a woman as the gentle purr of a vibrator.
Comments
madroxxx
May 11th, 2009 - 9:37:53 AM
man i dunno. my girl always has to open the jars. just can't do that shit, lol but massage chairs? i got some moves no massage chair is gonna do. no worries for this man
Manti
May 12th, 2009 - 2:08:26 PM
why would a gay man think about turning Ryan Seacrest? he's already gay.
lambtron
May 13th, 2009 - 1:21:05 AM
Point one would soon lead to the extinction of the human race since women are the leading cause of infant death.
A Mighty Lumberjack
May 13th, 2009 - 5:20:25 AM
Wow, as I scratch my enormous balls, I think to myself, "What a pathetic list". Can openers? Bug spray? Bullshit. Especially at the handheld tazer. If one of you skirts were to pull a taser on my manly self, I would punch you in the face. If you could actually wield it semi-effectively, I would hit you with a stick or a motherfucking rock, before I consider pulling out my magnum. Pepper spray is seasoning. Bitches, you all are in denial. A lumpy candle is no match for my big swinging cock.
NoTimeForRecess.com
May 14th, 2009 - 7:08:42 AM
The minute men start worrying about being replaced, will be when we really have a situation. Until then, some of this just falls into the 'I have no friends' or 'I'm ugly' category. NoTimeForRecess.com blog
John
May 14th, 2009 - 7:38:41 AM
I have yet to sit in a massage chair that offered happy endings!
scissorsista
May 14th, 2009 - 7:45:43 AM
IT'S RAINING MEN! well clearly there are some men on here that are quite lets say neanderthal mentality it was just a article and buddy there MR LUMBER JACK lol.. nice name gets all defensive and quite violent I wonder if he is single, please stay that way. I love men nothing in this article would keep me from the real thing. Unless there are men out there like "lumberjack lol and "no time for recess". And of course they are just small % of what real men are.
Francisco
May 14th, 2009 - 8:10:01 AM
I feel bad whenever I hear the term "no use - and/or - replace" applied to any person. If women don't want to "use" men no more what type of humankind are we becoming here? All the points from this article are completely valid but i don't think they're absolute. I mean I don't "use" my girlfriend nor any women in my life I care for, for any particular reason. We have shared so many things and special moments i doubt you can recall something as meaningful with a massage chair or sex toy for that matter (the smell of the skin of the person you love and the tender caress or the passionate kiss you receive will never be comparable to any of that)... I've been with my lovely girlfriend for 6 years and I plan on marrying her soon, we've had our ups and downs but the important thing in life is not one gender supremacy over another, is the relationship you have and share, same for your friends both men and women, straight or gay, we were not born to be alone and self-sufficient from the moment we were born NAKED we needed someone to cover us up or we'll simply die. The point I want to say is I love God, Energy, Science, Evolution or whatever you think created us men and women because I think we complement each other and if you think you can go solo no one can obligate you to think otherwise but if you like to share with that other someone who feels things like you do but sometimes sees the world in a whole different perspective and while you look similar you are very different and it's connecting and sharing those differences that make you learn and ultimately turn you into a better person, and when you find the right one for you, a happy person, that makes me believe men and women or women and men, could not live without each other. Ps: @A Mighty Lumberjack, what kind of moronic argument is that "ARGH Me have balls me big man with a stick" no wonder women would think like this, treat them like a person and I know even you will be able to say something good about them
Noisey Lane
May 14th, 2009 - 10:02:22 AM
You forgot "Batteries" - probably too obvious. @ (S)lumberjack - LoL - I reach for my electron-microscope but realize this is futile - some things cannot be seen. Anyone with that much hatred towards women is either impotent, a psychopath or both. I'm guessing both.
Barba
May 14th, 2009 - 10:51:46 AM
Hilarious!
marty west
May 14th, 2009 - 11:09:35 AM
Wow. Not alot that I'm intimedated by. Alot I am offended by however. It has honestly become more of a feminine sociaty over the last couple decades. It's sad. Alot of men have lost their place in sociaty. Ladies, you "are" equal, and just as good but we all have a roll and all have a place. Lets not let the all rights no responcibility go to our head. Sociaty has took a wierd twist and personaly I'd like to see it go backwards a few years. I don't want it back to men owning their wife or anything but things did go so much better when every house hold had a mother and father. Too many women today have the attitude. I don't need a man. Yes, you do. Man kind it's self has a balance to keep and unless we all play our roll it gets all messed up. No offence please, I'm not some control freak or anything us men also have a roll that doesn't get met most of the time these days.
a lady
May 14th, 2009 - 11:36:35 AM
goodness... i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say "it's supposed to be a joke folks...". The insecurity and anger such a silly and humorous article has inspired is incredible.
SilentWatch
May 15th, 2009 - 6:27:03 AM
Seriously, "a lady", I couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculous range of replies this got, considering that - as you said - it's supposed to be a joke. As for Marty West, no, actually, women don't need men. Humans, regardless of gender, need each other for companionship, which can be fulfilled by friendships and romantic relationships alike. Women specifically need men specifically for sperm and nothing else. It's the only thing and has ALWAYS been the only thing a man can provide for a woman that she can't provide for herself. That's the only gender balance that exists. The means for reproduction and both males and females having an equal part in it. Beyond that, there is no "role" to play. There are no "rules". That's a concept born from the very thing you claim to not be about. Everything beyond reproduction, we've made up as we go along according to what suits us and what we can get away with. Since men were often physically stronger, taller, larger, they created a world where women were inferior to them. When people advanced intellectually and began owning property and building laws, men did their best to keep those advancements from women for the same reason whites placed so many prohibitions on slaves - to keep them in their "place". But it is not in any human's destiny to be beneath any other, so it was only a matter of time before the cushy world that men killed and raped to build for themselves and all the property, wealth, and knowledge they horded for themselves began to slip away to the TRUE balance that needs to exist in order for mankind to survive - equality. As equality grows ever closer, men are beginning to see their power - power that was never theirs to have such a market on in the first place - slip away and they can't handle it. Some have enough courage to say, "I'd rather go back to the days where women just did what we say and we could have as many of them as we want". Others are a bit more cowardly (or oblivious to what they REALLY feel) and say, "I don't want it to go back to us being 100% dominant as opposed to 60% dominant... I just want it to go back to when women knew their "place"...". And I'm sure if you described what you mean by "our roles/our place", you'll only prove my point by spouting a lot of archaic, power-based gender nonsense that stemmed from the days you pretend not to long for. And for the record, women aren't equal. Not sure what planet you're living on... but then again, you're a male. Asking you to be able to understand and actually SEE how women still fail to be equal is like asking a man to rate how painful menstrual cramps are on a scale from 1 to 10. You can never experience the inequality for yourself so your opinion on it is moot...
scissorsista
May 15th, 2009 - 7:45:45 PM
Well said Silent Watch, I would liked to add that there is still cases of inequality happening as we speak in the Middle East and Africa that see their women as nomore than slaves and lower than the family dog. We as women need to continue to pressing forward for our sisters in other countries who don't have that voice. Because it is the mentality like LUMBERJACK MARTY MCFLY, and NO TIME FOR RECESS that some women prefer to be single and be self suffecient than to be in the presence of a neanderthal.
NoTimeForRecess.com
May 15th, 2009 - 11:42:20 PM
Wait, so I'm a neanderthal for saying that when men have this concern, is when we'll have an issue? Or maybe it was the 'I have no friends' and 'I'm chubby' content? The later, yeah, maybe I was out of line. I have no problem with a girl being self suffecient. There are those that don't want kids, don't want a family, just want to be successful on their own two feet. No problem with that, there are men just like that too. But, if guys WERE to be threatened by these or any other things, replacing them, then it'd be a problem. How so? Well, you'd have guys that think they'd have to prove they are better than these things, so try harder with a girl that might actually want a man, not a substitute. So, they look desperate, which I don't think any girl is attracted to, and if they are, that's pathetic. So then, you have guys worried, girls unhappy, and STILL going back to the original point of replacing that with something that isn't a man. This story is anything but, it's an idea, and display of a few things to give girls some pointers. Mainly girls who don't have the self-will to stand up on their own, or get what they want, OR will go and attempt to get what they want. I don't agree with that stuff going on across the world, AND within the states with domestic abuse still happening, FTR. I'm done, and I hope that maybe I cleared that up a little bit for you s.sista
PieDri
May 16th, 2009 - 9:56:57 AM
yes ----->>< its True!!
Carliona Trocina
May 23rd, 2009 - 9:30:18 AM
This is just so funny. I might have to link it to my blog and upset a few males with it, lol.
nande
June 15th, 2009 - 2:38:50 PM
you are fucking sick hahahah
Katherine
June 15th, 2009 - 5:43:08 PM
Hahaaaa. It's one thing that it's such a good list, and another that men are so hilarious in their attempts to deny it. Of course, I have to be ugly and have no friends... otherwise I'd worship men more. It all reminds me of how some men gawk at chicks on the dance floor but are too afraid to leave the side line, or rather they know their place.
Vhnyofyi
June 22nd, 2009 - 2:39:03 AM
HQ8gD6 comment3 ,
PieMan
July 3rd, 2009 - 1:48:03 AM
Ok ima GUY and I think this article is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS! Sure women dont need men as much as they used to for social and political development amongst humans, but the things listed here are just plain simply retarded. WINDOWS VISTA??? Forget it STRESS TOYS are better(and its going to be replaced by 7, said to be alot better). PS- the single woman will stay forever a virgim :-)
ChristinaH
July 6th, 2009 - 10:30:37 PM
I can't stop laughing from this article.... Not because of the list being witty and funny (Keyword; humor), but because of the long-winded and so so serious replies some men have left here? Where's your self esteem? Where is your humor? Seriously? It was a funny list - I giggle! My boyfriend giggle too! It's called -humor-, I doubt the author was deeply serious. And pulling the "I'm fat/antisocial/ugly" card is the absolutely lowest move I've seen among the comments - out of line? You weren't out of line, that was simply retarded. Unnecessary. Stupid. Here, gentlemen, have a cup of humor; c[:)]
rumandcoke
September 11th, 2009 - 12:48:15 PM
so stupid. these feminists are becoming delusional with this whole independence thing. hey no one took your independence away from you to want to give it back now. this stupid list is now teaching these delusional women to avoid husband, family and even natural sex so they can be called "independent" i guess its the new fashion trend. sometimes you just have ask yourself, aren't we playing with words too much? . . but seriously do what you want to do but dont take sex away.