Top 5 Things We Will Be Getting From Cuba Thanks To Obama

Obama recently opened up communications and freed up travel issues with Cuba. This means a ton of things. Namely that our new President isn’t afraid of “talking”, and that Cuba will soon be a place that you or I will be able to go to. At just 90 miles off the Florida coastline, Cuba has always been so close yet so far. Here’s a (punny) list of what we’ll finally be able to enjoy after all these years of not being able to visit:

5. As many Che Guevara poster and t-shirts as we can carry

That’s right, folks. Soon Che’s face will be everywhere due to the huge influx of college kids visiting Cuba and not knowing much about the former guerrilla leader beyond “that one cool picture” and “he was bad ass”. Eventually the image will become so ubiquitous that the Cuban tourism agency will animate the iconic image and make Che their official mascot, making Che a cuddly bad ass in green fatigues, with a man in a cartoon Che outfit welcoming you into the country.

4. Cigars

Ah, the cigar. The kind of thing that either makes you look like a total tool or a total bad ass. There’s something about tobacco in general that hinges somewhere between horrendous and tacky to the flip side; kind of sort of cool if you disregard your health. However, the cigar holds a special place in that its such an old rich man thing to do right now that eventually its cultural renaissance will be co-opted by hipsters everywhere. Soon, your local dive bar will be overrun by skinny kids in skinny jeans, ironic mustaches, and Cuban cigars, which they shall light and puff away on as they drink their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. The craze will continue on until it finally reaches its zenith on national television when Oprah Winfrey lights up a Cuban while introducing the Jonas Brothers reunion tour of 2020.

3. Sandwiches

A Cuban sandwich is so delicious that once Americans can visit Cuba freely, Cuban sandwiches will become the next food craze. Everybody will meet at the local Cubano for espresso and a pork sammich. Sitcoms in the future will be based entirely around these social gathering places where espresso and pork and conversation about “big important things” mix freely. Soon, an entire generation of beat poets will emerge from these places, with “The Pork Sammich Crowd” being a slang term for the scene.

2. Communism

Yeah lets not go there in case we get any angry emails. Just expect to see “Marx Is My Homebody” t-shirts at Urban Outfitters.

1. Beards

Beards will become the greatest single cultural stand out thanks to the new travel regulations. Visitors to Cuba will be so awestruck by the facial hair that they will return to the US with dreams of harvesting the most amazing facial hair known to man. Within five years you will be nobody if you are a man without a beard. At the very least, you shouldn’t be caught dead without a scraggly “Fidel” beard – a popular fashion statement in 2017. By the 2030′s beards will become de rigor so much so that women – unable to adopt beards due to genetics – will begin to sport the merkin (google it, because I’m not going to spoil the definition for you). By 2050 everyone will look like wizards. Canadians, jealous of our proximity to Cuba, will begin a shaving revolution, with many foreign Americans being shaved in the middle of the night while asleep in Canadian hotels. They are thus unable to come back into America. This will create a trade embargo with Canada.

Tune in in 2070 for the second part to the list: Top 5 Things You’ll Be Able To Get From Neo-Canada Thanks To President Dakota Fanning.

(Photo By: Alexbrn)

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