Oh man … it’s tomorrow, isn’t it? Cinco De Mayo looms large over our heads like that huge bouncer who had to pick us up and toss us out of the club last year at this time — fond memories indeed. While we’re not about to suggest that you don’t celebrate in the style to which you’ve become accustomed, there are a few things we’d have you remember to do and not to do, in the name of keeping healthy and safe.
Do: Drink like a drowning fish. I may be mixing metaphors there, but nothing else really conveys the seriousness of this main task. Your country needs you to get blotto like Otto, my friend. Why? A little thing called the economy. Money in the pockets of our nation’s bartenders is money invested in our own future. It’s your duty as citizens to spend the day destroying as many brain cells as possible. Think of the children!
Don’t: Call it Mexican Independence Day. You may not know this, which I suppose is forgivable if you’re not actually a fan of history, but the actual Mexican Independence Day is September 16th, not the 5th of May. Cinco De Mayo actually celebrates the Battle of Puebla, when Mexican General Seguín won an inspiring victory over the heretofore undefeated French army. So get it right! Unless you’re deliberately attempting to start a fight, in which case there are a few choice Mexican swear words you’ll want to practice.
Do: Designate someone responsible to make sure everyone gets home. This isn’t the most fun job, but it’s likely you know someone who cares enough about you to see to it that everything goes well by the time the fuzziness drops down over your brain. Do whatever it takes to ingratiate yourself with this person, including bribes and offers to do housework. But make sure that whatever else you do…
Don’t: Give your designated driver a video camera. You know all those videos on YouTube featuring people who are so completely baked that they can’t figure out how to stand up without falling over? They’re hilarious, aren’t they? Watching those, it’s easy to forget that there’s someone else involved in those videos: the person filming. Remember this, brothers and sisters: the Internet is forever. Even if it’s only online for five minutes, that’s long enough for someone to grab it and save it to their hard drive. Someone who hates you. Someone who wants a little insurance. So be safe this Cinco De Mayo, and confiscate all recording equipment from your friend who loves you, because believe me, not even the best-intentioned of humans can resist the siren call of public humiliation. Better safe than sorry. The More You Know … rainbow … star!
Comments
Jake
May 5th, 2009 - 11:13:50 AM
always preferred Cinco De Mayo to Saint Patrick's Day, not sure why though. I mean, I'd rather drink Guiness and Jameson than Tequila... will have to think about this some more
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