Top 5 Best Martial Arts Movies

By Ned Hepburn on April 30th, 2009

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Ahhh the magic of Hollywood, only they can tell the story of the dopey brother who became a fighting champion, the wimpy brat who can totally balance on one leg, and uhhhh the overweight ninja from Beverly Hills? Yes these are some of our favorite martial arts movies for people who had no  idea how to fight.

5. Enter The Dragon

If Martial Arts movies were a diner, Enter The Dragon is like the buffalo wings. It’ll always be good, at any time, no matter what. I cannot think of a time when Enter The Dragon does not sound like a good idea. However, the reason this is on the list is because its the go-to film for people that say “yeah, I like martial arts movies” when in fact all they own is this. It’s the martial arts film equivalent of that Shakespeare anthology you haven’t cracked open since your mom bought it for you in the Christmas of 1998. If you want to weed out a real martial arts fan from a fake one, ask then what happens in the last fifteen minutes of this film.

3/10 Ralph Maccio’s

While this movie is bad ass in every way, it is a lot like the Dallas Cowboys or the Yankees: the weekender fans kind of spoil it.

4. Anything with Jackie Chan

Jackie Chan is the Steve Jobs of martial arts. He makes really complicated things easy and really fast. He can beat the fuck out of people with a ladder and then do a wakka-wakka mug to the camera. Have you held a ladder lately? That shit is heavy. It took me a full minute to think of that analogy. Jackie Chan does insane, crazy stunts. It’s ridiculous. When you watch him fight it makes one wish they had nailed their bed to the ceiling and the refrigerator was glued to the bottom of a shark tank so that when they take their morning bong rip they have something interesting to do other than shuffle fifteen feet to the kitchen. It makes me want to hire a group of masked people to come over just to beat up in interesting ways. I imagine this is how Jackie Chan lives every day.

5/10 Ralph Maccios

Jackie Chan was in a movie with Owen Wilson. Owen “Darjeeling Ltd” Wilson. Hey, I like ‘em both. But someone needs to tell Jackie’s agent to say no once in a while.

3. Beverly Hills Ninja

If Chris Farley can do it, so can you. That’s what this movie says to me. He gives us hope. He is the Barack Obama of fat white people. He says “its OK to eat at Cinnabons and still kick ass”. That is a change I can believe in.

7/10 Ralph Maccios

When I was a wee lad, chubby as can be, chilling on the rug eating an entire box of Triscuits in one sitting, this gave me hope. And made me laugh. I say this with no irony: Chris Farley deserves an award for this. I wouldn’t be suprised if in 30 years this becomes some sort of cult hit.

2.Karate Kid

Ralph Maccio. What a guy. If I only had “Karate Kid” on my resume I’d have just stopped right there. This is THE ULTIMATE martial arts movie for people who have no clue about martial arts. Kid from the east coast has to defeat an entire league of strip-mall fighter bros? Whoever green lit this movie was a damn genius. And the catchphrases!

9/10 Ralph Maccios

It’s Ralph Maccio.

1. Bloodsport

When you turn 18, the government should send you this movie and 8 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Bloodsport is the greatest motion picture in the history of eyes if your thing is watching Jean Claude Van Damme do awesome stuff like go “KU-MAH-TEH” and do the splits and hit people in the balls. It is so bad ass that if it does not kick your ass then you have no ass. It also features “Ogre” from Revenge Of The Nerds in a co-starring role where he chugs beers and does craaaaazy fight moves. Yeah! The big dude from Revenge Of The Nerds! Fighting! Why have you not bought this movie yet?

10/10 Ralph Maccios

After seeing this movie me and my friends proceeded to cause $275 of damage to a neighbors Toyota Corolla, yelling ‘KUMITE!’ up and down the sidewalk. Then we got kicked out of the bar for not paying for our shots. This movie inspires that kind of special ‘I Have No Idea How To Fight, But I’ll Try Anyway’. And aside from the purist side of Martial Arts movies, isn’t that what they’re all about?

(Photo By: Sciurus)

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