Natalie Portman is such a babe that other babes have been known to “give up” just by looking at her. “I can’t be that awesomely hot yet humble”, they say, and then give up acting and modeling for a career as substitute teachers in the Midwest. Natalie is so attractive – in fact – that she may or may not be the dreamiest thing on the planet. Not even the vast expansive ocean nor the African plains at sunset have the sheer brilliance that she does in, per say, any one of her movies.
WITNESS.
Witness her startling beauty in Closer, a film so rad that she was nominated for an academy award. In it she plays a beautiful brunette that may or may not be the playing two men at the same time.
BEHOLD.
As she plays Queen Amidala in the last 3 Star Wars movies. No, I don’t think they were very good either.
SHIVER.
As she gets her head shaved in V For Vendetta.
LAUGH.
At Zack Braff because he is really, really bad in Garden State, which Natalie Portman is also in. I’m sure he’s a really cool guy. I just don’t get him in that movie. Its not unlike watching a Basset hound.
REVEL.
In the fact that Leon The Professional is a totally, totally underrated movie and that Natalie Portman is in it (shes 12 in it so no pervy jokes).
SHOCK.
When you learn that she dated Devendra Banhart. Seriously? Woah.
That’s right, Natalie Portman is so gorgeous that indeed this very site, as soon as I announced that I was to write her Chickolith, I was pelted with stones and tin soldiers. Nary any that set foot in the office glanced me a pleasant look that day, let me tell you! I was distraught with fear with the task. How could one person write about such a beautiful object? I am no Leonardo DaVinci, no Albert Einstein, no Huey Lewis. I am not a genius. It is – I decided – an almost impossible task. Natalie transcends mere physical beauty by being a nice person, too! As an ambassador to UNICEF and other charities as well as being a staunch vegan, Natalie is appears saves more animals than she does men’s hearts. She is so mind-flummoxingly beautiful and eye-wideningly gorgeous that I nearly gave up.
But you see I am a clever, shrewd man. I decided to watch her in the 1996 film Mars Attacks! I was amazed. Here she was – in a kind of bad film. It made me think “she must be mortal after all” (previously, I had believed her to be an angel). Sure, Mars Attacks! had its charms, but it for sure was no veritable Mona Lisa of cinema. I became distraught, and drank for weeks. Friends could not console me. I left the phone off the hook. But then a kind, dear soul alerted me to her 2007 magnum opus… Mister Magoriums Wonder Emporium! I was elated! In this movie made for children (or a “kids movie”, I am told), Natalie plays Molly Mahoney, who works at a toy store. And the guy from Rain Man was in it! Oh happy day.
Needless to say, Miss Natalie Portman is without a doubt the pillar of strength and bastion of goodwill we need to hold America together. With her acting talents and sheer Goddess-like beauty, Natalie may or may not be the first female president of these United States. I say, a vote for Natalie is a vote for freedom. Bully, I say, Bully to all those who don’t agree!
Comments
Brent
April 29th, 2009 - 9:29:40 AM
natalie portman is attractive, yes.
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fedtho
March 22nd, 2010 - 11:43:36 AM
I have at times been so profoundly infatuated with *her* it frightened even myself... Your portrait made me grin because it reminded me of my helpless feelings when seeing her - I like and am with you on most of your observations. May I encourage anyone who SOMEHOW likes her to absolutely watch the 1996 movie "Beautiful Girls", amazingly forgotten, where Nathalie is 15 years old and gives a lifetime performance - the whole movie is really worth it. Thanks for making me laugh AND feel less lonely in my infatuation ;-)
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