An Ode To The Pirate

By stephen on April 23rd, 2009

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There’s been a lot of negative talk about pirates in the media as of late. They have long been iconic anti-hero figures in our culture due to their shameless plundering and crude dialogue. It seems that these jolly sea-villians have really been working hard lately to meet our expectations and uphold their reputation, yet they are met only with threats of angry militia hunting them down. Are we not sending would-be pirates mixed messages about how we feel about them? Here’s an ode to our cultural romance with eye patches and peg legs to help us remember the good times, when we all loved pirates. It is our Ode the the Pirate:

Pirate Booty – Tasty

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If you haven’t tried this gourmet, cheese-loaded popcorn then you haven’t lived, my friend. It is the popcorn from which dreams are made, and with which movies are made better. There’s also the clever name, and about a million lame puns you could make (along with creepy facial expressions) when asking house guests if they would like any.

Legos Pirates – Awesome

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If you are a child of the 1980s then you most likely remember playing with the Pirate Series of Legos. You have an exemption if you lived under a rock, or in the Eastern Bloc, but that is about it. They were so much cooler than the Fire and Police Series, the Medieval Series, and even the Space Series, because….they featured pirates.

Pirates of the Caribbean – Fun

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Bar none, this is the best ride at Disneyland. In fact, it is pretty much the only reason to go to Disneyland, unless you are really into expensive theme parks, like bad and overpriced food, and enjoy waiting in lines for hours on end. If those kinds of things seem interesting to you, then there’s lots of stuff for you to do at Disneyland.

Johnny Depp – Keith Richards Impersonator/Pirate/Cyborg

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This guy did a really good job of impersonating Keith Richards as a pirate in a few pirate-themed movies recently.

Pirate Radio – No Commercials

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Pirate Radio is good because I hate commercials. There was also a radio station called Pirate Radio in the late 1980s to early 1990s in Los Angeles that used to play Lots of Guns n’ Roses, and Run DMC and other cool shit.

Pirate Bay – A Free Nerd Orgy

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You cannot go wrong with offering people free computer programs. Or can you? The guys that founded this site were recently found guilty of ‘assisting copyright infringement’, but most people expect the site to keep on keeping on. There’s no secret that this site is one of the most popular on the internet, and later today I’m going to download a bunch of porn and cool stuff from it.

Hook – Bangarang

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Of course, many of us would not enjoy watching this film today, but when it was first released in 1991 that shit was nuts. The Lost Boys flying, fluorescent- food fights, Bangarang and Rufio as a bad ass – who could forget? It is also the last movie that anyone liked Robin Williams in, with the exception of the one where he plays a sensitive shrink.

Talk Like a Pirate Day – WTF

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Damn, still five months away.

Scooby Doo Ghost Pirates – Best Episode

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If you haven’t seen this episode, you’re missing out. Go to Pirate Bay and download it, and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Monkey Island – Prepubescent Fun

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Back when video games did not yet induce epileptic seizures, we had Monkey Island and Monkey Island II. I’m sure there were additional derivations and sequels to follow, but I had hit puberty by this time was trying to find out what a vagina looked like, so I wouldn’t know. I must say that Guybrush Threepwood was a bad ass, even though he had quite possibly the worst name ever.

Pittsburgh Pirates – They Won Games in the 1970s?

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In the 1970s, the Pittsburgh Pirates won two World Series titles (1971, 1979) and were known for their unusual pillbox hats, among other things. These hard-partying sommabitches were often found smoking in their dugouts, and most likely living it up in Baseball’s ‘Cocaine Era’.

Slutty Pirate Halloween Costumes – So Hot Right Now

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Halloween is fun because everyone either dresses up as The Joker (awesome) or a whore (also awesome). I personally prefer the latter because of the amount of assless chaps and boobage on display – and it is totally ok to stare, regardless of what anyone tells you.

Pirate Porn – Shiver Me Timbers

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“Somebody ordered a Pizza? No? Oh, would you like to see my curved sword?”

Captain Morgam Rum – Nice

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When you are between the ages of 16 and 21, are are looking to drink until you can’t feel feelings anymore, try Captain Morgan’s. Ok, I’ll admit a coke and rum is tolerable everyone once and a while, even for a refined palette such as mine.

Treasure Island – Cheap Rooms, a Bar and a Casino

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I’m not going to lie, it was a toss up between including the book or the hotel without sounding redundant. In the end I decided if I could only choose one, it should be the hotel. I know all you bibliophiles out there might ridicule this decision but think about this: “Can you drink and gamble inside of a book?”

*Bonus: Bill Murray Kicking Ass – A Modern Day Solution to a Modern Day Problem?

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I was just hoping to include a picture of Bill Murray somewhere on this article, and the scene from The Life Aquatic, where he’s being interviewed and is eating an apple is one of my favorites. This movie did feature a sub-plot featuring modern-day pirates from Southeast Asia, who Murray’s character Steve Zissou took on like a one-man wrecking crew.