Videolith: Old School Super Mario Bro

By Ned Hepburn on April 20th, 2009

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Watch this old school c clip about Nintendo™, from back in the day when there were only 80(!) games.

Hearing old people describe video games is one of my favorite past times anyway, and this clip is hilarious just for the description of Super Mario anyway. “If you jump and hit that blovk a beanstalk will appear all the way to magic land” is right up there with my favorite other explanations of video games. I used to work in a video game store and had a blast explaining to older adults what games were about. See if you can guess which ones are to which game:

1. “Ok… you’re a fox, and you’re in space, and you can fly this space thing. And your friend is frog”
2. “See that guy? That’s Mike Tyson. Watch out he’s gonn… oh too bad.”
3. “Get all the little balls and the ghosts will chase you around but if you swallow one of those pills they’ll run away from you. Oh and get all the fruit you can”.
4. “You’re a kiwi bird. You shoot a bow and arrow. It’s about to get way more complicated.”
5. “So you and your brother are street vigilantes in red and blue karate outfits and you, uh, well you kinda have to go right the entire game and beat up people”



6. “So this guy Snake has to… well I have no idea what really happened, but you have to kill all these people. No, they’re bad people. Don’t worry. I’m sure your kid can discern good and bad people in real life, too.”
7. “So, um, it’s basically Pong. I can’t break it down any more than that. You don’t know Pong? Imagine tennis but overly simplified.”
8. “Do you like Golf, Boxing, Bowling, and Tennis? Ok good. Well, how about playing them in your home, maybe alone? Its kind of fun until someone walks in on you”
9. “So hold this plastic guitar and when the colors com… have you ever taken a reflex test? How about a reflex test to the tune of Freebird”?
10. “So you’re a hedgehog you have to get from one end of this to the other and he’s turned all these bunnies and chicks into evil robots. No, I don’t know why. He’s obviously a very angry person. How did he plan all of this? I have no idea. Yes – it must have cost a lot of money. No I don’t know how he got all that money either. It’s a suspension of disbelief is what it is, Miss Granger, and I’m sure Timmy will love it”.
11. “So you’re this guy that just got out of jail and you have to fight all the bad cops to get the city back. It’s kind of like the entire state of California. You might have to sleep with a few hookers along the way but it will be worth it, I assure you, because when you kill the hookers – did I mention you have to kill the hookers? – you’ll get your money back. And you should probably buy a bunch of guns and some armor so in case you drive through that certain neighborhood in the video game your character won’t get shot. Steal that car right there. Just go up to it and take it. No, Miss Granger, I don’t agree with the moral values of the game either but thats how you win. Maybe this will teach Timmy a valuable lesson about what it takes to win at life. Timmy, don’t listen to your mother. Sometimes you have to kill a hooker to get your money back. Am I right? Come back soon, Timmy”.