Top 5 Steps To Talking To Hot Girls On The Internet

By Ned Hepburn on April 15th, 2009

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5. Get on the Internet

This might sound easier than it actually is. First, you have to actually get a computer. They are available at select stores or there are free ones at the library (which are covered in the tears of a thousand dirty grubby sixteen year olds updating their livejournals). You cannot simply just yell out your window in hopes that the internet babe will come to you (she is not Clarissa Explains It All and you are not that dude with the ladder who lived next door).

4. Pick a Social Networking Site

Myspace is for idiots and miscreants, Facebook is for people who really like “The Office” but hate “subtitles in movies”, Twitter is for dorks who can’t communicate in real life, and Tumblr is for the kind of coffee-shop faux intellectuals that identify with / want to sleep with Justin Long (or John Hodgman, take your pick).  This is the deal breaker, folks.

DO NOT go on Myspace. Myspace is the Detroit of the internet. You only go there if someone owes you money.

3. Make Her Notice You

The best way to do this is to take lots of pictures of yourself in the same manner than she does. Email her. If you “poke” her on Facebook she will think you are a creep. Imagine a shapeless masked asexual stranger coming up to you reading this and “poking” you in real life; right in your kidney. You would hate that person. Thusly, nobody likes poking unless you have actually poked that person with your naked body onto theirs. Poking then becomes a “hey, remember when we used to do it? this is how far our relationship has slipped”.

2. Show Her You Mean Business

Now that she has noticed you, you must now show her that you mean business. This is a good time to make a t-shirt from a picture of her she uploaded and to wear it out and about. People will ask you “who is that?”. You must answer: “She is my betrothed”. You MAY NOT under any circumstances “She is a girl on the internet”. You may refer to her as “your girlfriend” and also “my little baby duck”. You can not let on that you have never met her.

1. Don’t Stop Believin’

After you have successfully posted bail you must get back out there. Do not give up. This is what separates the wheat from the chaff. What do we do when we fall off the horse? We get back on it.

(Photo By: Striatic)