Hollywood Must Die: Clash of the Titans

By Akela Talamasca on April 9th, 2009

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Welcome back… to the stage of history! While this news has nothing to do with Soul Calibur, it does have everything to do with Hollywood’s continuing destruction of our beloved filmic memories. To wit: today we take another look at an upcoming movie remake that Should Not Be. This time around, the title under assault is Clash of the Titans.

Clash of the Titans is a uniquely 1980’s-flavored film; it’s the sort of thing that worked very well for the era in which it appeared. There was an innocence to movies at the time, a sort of “try anything” spirit that made even pretty bad films still somewhat entertaining. Seeing a movie about Greek mythological heroes and monsters was totally awesome at the time, and it still holds up well these days upon re-watching.

However, it worked because of its inherent camp value, something that this new remake will surely lack. I was skeptical when I’d heard that it was being remade, but reserved judgment until I knew more. But hearing that Liam Neeson was set to play Zeus and that they’re planning on having Ralph Fiennes play Hades tells me everything I need to know. You don’t get two Serious Actors like these two guys in your film unless you’re making a Serious Movie.

Let’s face it: Troy sucked. Alexander was terrible. 300 was okay at best. The connection? Actors wearing sandals and armor. I’m sory, but you just can’t get otherwise decent male actors into sandals and armor and expect audiences to take it seriously. But in the 80’s, it was okay, because none of it was taken seriously. Sir Lawrence Olivier brought the only gravitas to that whole movie, and even then, you could tell he was smirking behind his beard. So, no, I don’t hold out high hopes for the Clash of the Titans remake. I’d love to be surprised, of course, but I don’t expect the filmmakers to do anything other than provide too many CG creatures, too many speed-ramped hack-and-slash combat sequences, and too many overly-dramatic moments during scenes that can’t support it.

No, Hollywood continues to flirt with our memories in the name of profit. The only thing that will redeem this remake in my eyes will be the last-minute casting of pretty much everyone currently attached to the project, to be replaced by Nathan Fillion as Perseus, John Leguizamo as Calibos, and Bruce Campbell as Zeus. Let’s go indiegeek with this thing. Unleash the Kraken!