Welcome to the inaugural edition of Hollywood Must Die, wherein we look at the state of original filmmaking in the mighty nation of Tinseltown (which really is its own country, and should just consider seceding from America completely. I mean, come on, they pretty much live by their own laws, have their own culture, and their citizens don’t resemble normal human beings anyway).
Why should Hollywood die, you ask? Because the ratio of originals to remakes is something to the order of 10-to-shut the hell up. It’s never been as bad as it is these days, now that Hollywood is even remaking movies that come from other friggin’ countries. These remakes are rarely as good as the original, and just as rarely do well enough to have been worth the effort. So why do them? Because Hollywood is lazy. Straight-up lazy and risk-averse. Of course, the American audience has taught them to be that way, but we’re not here to be understanding; we’re here to point and laugh.
This is the news that lit the fire: Ice Castles is being remade. Remember that? Sappy, melodramatic movie about a figure skater who loses her sight? Please don’t let this feeling end/It might not come again? Well, it has come again. Apparently the original director is remaking his own creation, so at least we can be reassured that the film’s integrity will remain intact. And if you made it through that last sentence without cracking up, then you’re a better person than I.
The movie will star actual figure skaters, ’cause the audience demands verisimilitude. I’d list their names, but I’m not sure Manolith’s readers care enough about the world of figure skating to know if I were making it all up. Regardless, this is a bold step for Hollywood. We can anticipate more of this sort of thing to come. But we’ll weather the storm together, friends. Just hold on until we get the return of Gleaming the Cube. Then everything will be okay.