CHICKOLITH: Jessica Alba

By Ned Hepburn on April 7th, 2009

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Jessica Alba is so hot that microwaves are suing her. No, wait.

That was awful.

Let me retry that. Jessica Alba is so hot that I know of two people that have gotten in near relationship-ending arguments over the classic “would you let me have sex with Jessica Alba if she offered” question. And that’s the thing: she’s become THAT person. I guess previous generations had Marilyn Monroe or Jane Fonda to fill in that gap: we have Jessica Fucking Alba. She first started appearing in vaguely “street” movies where she plays “the dancer that can make it if she tries hard enough despite all her struggles”… here’s a hint: there’s an epic dance sequence at the end. What? I watched the whole thing. She’s really hot and I ain’t made of stone.

She started out as “the hot girl” and she seems to have been unfairly pigeonholed into that stereotype. She’s definitely been in some pretty terrible films, like Blue Crush, which was watchable only for the fact that she was in a swimsuit 90% of the film. She was also in the Fantastic Four movie which was – um – well, it sure looked good. Let’s put it that way. Not exactly going to win any awards for dramatics, that one.

If you’re pining away over there for her, she’s sadly married to a guy named Cash Warren and has a kid with him. I suppose if my name was a word for money then I’d probably be rolling in it too but there you go. She’s a babe. A megababe. If she was a court case she’d be Roe Vs Babe.

Let’s not forget her star turn in Sin City, which honestly I think is a path she should explore more. She can kick ass for sure, but Sin City showed she could actually work alongside screen heavyweights like Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, and Clive Owen. We’ll see what happens next for our Jessica.

(Photo By: dipalbhagde and Miguel)