The List: New York vs Los Angeles

By Ned Hepburn on April 6th, 2009

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At risk of sounding like a stand up comic from 1987, here is a list of things I have noticed about the differences between the two towns.

New York

• The city trusts my dumb ass enough to allow me to jaywalk as I please. that’s one thing I can’t comprehend about LA. they should change the LA city motto to “What Are You, Five?” and have the city crest be Mickey Mouse shrugging.
• This organic sandwich cost five bucks. That is how much something between two slices of bread should cost.
• The public transport actually goes to places I want to actually go to as well. I can’t tell you how nice it is to leave a bar drunk and not worry about how I’m going to get home. because God knows there’s no bars within walking distance here.
• Oh yeah. That phrase “walking distance”. I like that. I like being able to go someone on my two legs, like a big boy. I even tied my own shoes.
• Fat people are sassy here. Also: they aren’t all character actors. you know whats cool? eating and not worrying about it.
• If I tell people in New York “I’m an actor and a writer” they don’t start acting like Helen Keller playing dodge-ball.

Los Angeles

• Should you ever want to see Danny Bonaduce buying hummus at 11:30 at night, there you go.
• I like my car. I like having a roughly six by four foot box where i can sing Journey very loudly and pick my nose.
• Hey, I’m not sure if I like these new shoes. lets go to, I don’t know, ANY GIVEN BAR OR RESTAURANT and see what other people think simply by looking at their eyebrows upon viewing my new pair of shoes.
• You got “crazy” in my “beautiful women”! You got “beautiful women” in my “crazy”! Hey, this is delicious! not very filling, but delicious none the less!
• Is that TV’s Jon Hamm? No its just a guy. Well I’m going to tell everyone anyway.
• Two words: tacos. Oh wait. Well, the way I say it it sounds like two words.
• If you want to know what failed dreams taste like lick any fifty year old on Robertson Blvd wearing sunglasses after 5pm.
• Oh, sunglasses. You made unemployment bearable and made those two months working hungover at a fast food place feel like Kanye West’s last tour.
• You can move to LA with nothing and make something out of it. I’m actually talking about my haircut, but i guess it might work for “life” as well.

(Photos By: Morza, Bert Boerma, M Danser)