Diet Tips For Bro’s That Don’t Diet

By Ned Hepburn on April 4th, 2009

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Hey guys, Manolith here. And we know, it’s tough trying to lose weight. Trust us. Half of us here used to be chubby bros. Now look at us. We can barely make it through the day without women throwing themselves at us.

The Enemy:

Now, there’s just a few simple guidelines to follow if you want to keep some of that drinking weight off.

DON’T EAT AFTER 9PM. I don’t care how “open” Chili’s is. Get all your scoffing down pre-nighttime, allow your goddamn metabolism to chill the hell out so you can focus on getting a good drink. Need to eat after the bar? Don’t get more than two tacos. Which leads me to my next point:

PORTION CONTROL, YO. A portion of meat is about the size of a deck of cards. Think about that next time you order The Widow-Maker 72oz Steak. So, ideally, two tacos. It’ll take your body 20 minutes to realize that it is indeed full, so after two, put down the plate, sit back, relax, take in the sights, look at the fatties over at table 7 eat their weight in chips and salsa and realize how chill it is to only take what you need. Who are you trying to impress with those two extra tacos?

CHILLIN’ AT HOME? Everyone’s been there… it’s blahblahblah time in the morning and you’re hungry and all you’ve got is… well, lets take a look. Here’s a list of decent foods for late night snackery:

• 2 slices of wheat bread will fill you up and let you get to sleep. Tried and true. Bagels are deceptive, dude. They each have 500(!) calories.
• Almonds. Use them. They’ve got Omega-3, dude. That’s some Transformers sounding shit. And a handful of those will make you feel full. Tada. Thank me later when you’re banging supermodels.
• Soup is cheap as fuck and will both hydrate you and make you feel full. Easy. God, I’m good.

WATER. Drink it. Drink lots of it. 90% of the time your body is telling you that its hungry, the easiest solution is to fool it by drinking water. Two glasses and you won’t need that burrito after the bar, AND you’ll be one step closer to driving back home, AND you’ll be two glasses of water closer to not making a fool of yourself to the brunette at the end of the bar.