Top 5 Most Awkward Singers

By Ned Hepburn on April 2nd, 2009

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Here’s a list of the most awkward singers:

1. Geddy Lee of Rush

How did his voice get like that? Does he talk like that in real life? He does? Oh wow. I wonder what the outgoing message on his answering machine sounds like. Geddy, you’re a cool dude. Sure, you may look not unlike a wizard that couldn’t remember how to time travel back to 1644 and had to take a job as an art teacher but you’re still pretty cool. Admitting you like Rush is tough, especially if you’re not on a Dungeons & Dragons meeting. But still. Have you ever seen someone driving down the street blasting Rush with two babes in the back seat? It’s a time and place sort of voice. If you’re on your seventh shot of the night “Tom Sawyer” is something you want to hear. If you’re trying to romance a lady, not so much.

2. Tom Waits

Now hear me out: I love Tom Waits. I really do. He’s one of my most favorite artists, but somewhere around 1985 he decided to go from ‘vaguely crooning gruff guy’ to ‘Mickey Rourke gargling Marshmallow Fluff underwater’. Unless you’re the kind of person that enjoys difficult music, this may present an issue. He’s had a few more melodic moments since then – that have been real wins – listen to ‘Alice’ or ‘Hold On’ – but for a while there he was stuck in this angry old man phase that like it or not isn’t NEARLY as great as his previous work. However, albums like ‘Rain Dogs’ held it all together. The man is a serious talent. It’s just that you can’t exactly hum along to the latter half of his catalog.There’s a balance between challenging art, which is wonderful when done correctly, and just being random for the sake of being random. And while I know Tom Wait’s work enough to know that it came from the right place, he really went awry there for a while.

3. Mariah Carey

Dude, lets have someone sing notes only dogs can hear. That’d be cool. And lets make it slightly above average R&B music. That would be doubly cool. Then lets make her look like the hottest waitress at an Outback Steakhouse in Long Island. I’m not saying she doesn’t have an amazing voice, but it makes my head hurt.

It’s just strange, because she really does have a super human voice but seems to be using it for bad music. This is like Jimi Hendrix playing soft jazz. She used to be entirely pleasant to look at back in the mid 90’s when she kept her clothes on a little bit more but now looks like a Slutty Soccer Mom. It’s sad. She had so much going for her. She looks like how malls smell.

She claims to sleep with over 30 humidifiers in her room, and is also apparently married to D-list “celebrity” Nick Cannon. It’s just weird. She kind of threw it all away… and to think I had such a crush on her in the video for “Emotions” when I was twelve. Oh, Mariah. Don’t even let me bring up Glitter. Let’s remember how you were in 1995 and call it a day, shall we? Poor thing.

4. Rivers Cuomo

The Weezer frontman sounds great on record. He really does. But try getting him live and he sound like his insecurities. He can barely hold a note, seems to have an unhealthy obsession with creepy facial hair (alternating between a child molester-esque mustache and a full Lumberjack beard), and hasn’t written a song in forever which doesn’t ape his more successful ones from 13 years ago. He’s lost it. The band used to be the epitome of radness but he stuck to the same formula again and again and for what? So he could get on the soundtrack for a Mary Kate & Ashley movie? Plus, dude is starting to look like he should be driving around in a big white van with no windows. It’s a shame.

5. Bjork

Bjork is an artist. And she has a very distinctive, emotional range in her voice. But she seems to want to use it entirely to sound like every animal at the zoo all at once. When she concentrates, she can put out  great songs. Try “Hunter” or perhaps something from her days with the Sugarcubes. But lately she’s gone entirely into Diamanda Galas territory and her record sales are showing that: she hasn’t had a sucessful album in years. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great when she’s great, but when she’s bad she’s downright awful. She’s stuck entirely in the “what will happen if i put coins in the dryer and record it and sing about Beowulf over it?” part of her brain… some might call this art, but it sure ain’t music.

(Photos By: Gut and Jun Y. Kim)