Top 5 Things Booze Has Done For Humanity

By Ned Hepburn on March 17th, 2009

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5. Monks

If it wasn’t for a bunch of bored monks – lets face it – we wouldn’t have the level of alcohol that we have today. When you combine celibacy with “nothing to do”, getting drunk seems like the obvious solution. And thanks to monks and their free time we have the hops & barley & deliciousness that we’ve come to know and love today. They also drank a lot of Mead. Have you ever tried Mead? It’s like getting drunk off of warm honey. Unless you’re – say – Beowulf, it’s not really the party starter.

4. Social Lubricant

Have you ever been to an – lets say, office party – during the day? When people are working? And every-one’s outside because it’s “Jeff’s Birthday” and no-one’s really talking? Add some alcohol and everyone with half a brain will unwind and start talking more openly and more honestly. Oscar Wilde admitted to having a few glasses of wine or stout before some of his greater quips and, hell, Tom Waits made a career out beautiful half-drunken ramblings.

Let’s be honest. Some people can’t handle alcohol. Give “Jeff in accounting” more than half a Corona and he’ll start harassing Martha in HR and then all hell breaks loose. But alcohol is a social lubricant. What, you thought your parents conceived you in an all white room with doves flying around and angels blaring triumphant trumpet music? You were probably conceived to the end credits of “Hogans Heroes” after your Dad ran out of Pineapple Schnapps. Alcohol – in the right quantity – helps good things go smoother. It’s all about moderation. Also: don’t drink at your office. It’s just sad. At least do it in the parking lot playing “Dust In The Wind” really loudly out of your car stereo.

3. Economic Standpoint

During an economic downturn one of your wisest investments will be in liquor and booze, because when the going gets tough, the tough get drunk. During the Great Depression of the 1920’s/1930’s when booze was outlawed the states each lost $500 million a year in taxes alone (that’s $6.1 billion dollars a year adjusted for today’s economy). Like it or not, liquor ain’t gonna go out of style due to the lack of money people are ever willing to spend on it.

Add that staggering amount of money above to the amount of money in the alcohol service industry alone. If America ran out of bartenders tomorrow who would we tell our really good stories to? People we actually know? Face it: Nobody you know on a personal level wants to hear about the time in college you farted so hard you shit your pants but “still got Tracy’s number”.

2. Makes Bad Movies Good

Ever tried to watch a Steven Segal movie sober? It’s tough, man. It’s tough. The only way my girlfriend could make me sit through that Sex And The City movie was if I brought a flask of Jeremiah Weed Bourbon in with me. And let me tell you, I’m a Charlotte after seven or eight self made Jack & Cokes. Oh man. Charlotte is so hot. I don’t care what you say.

1. Health

A glass of wine a day helps the human heart due to the level of antioxidants in your… I’ve lost you, haven’t I? It makes all the bad things go “wheeeee!”. That’s all you need to know. And as every guy to the left of you at the bar will tell you if you ever order one: Guinness is full of antioxidants and a more-than-adequate amount of your daily dose of protein, making it one of the healthiest things you can order at the bar.

Just remember: all in moderation. Don’t be “that guy”. Drinking can be fun, but drink responsibly. Yadda yadda yadda.

(Photo By: N0peppers and Kimse)