The Beltsword: Increase your Killing Power

By Juan Aguilar on March 13th, 2009

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I think we’ve all been in this position: you’re at a bar having a great time, then some clumsy asshole spills beer all over you. In that situation, we all think the same thing:  if  I had a sword hidden inside my belt, the only thing spilled would be this jerk’s blood! And also some more beer! Sadly, hiding a sword within a belt is nothing but science fiction… or is it?

My friends, the days of plotting your eventual revenge are over. Free your murderous rage with the Beltsword system, which boasts it is “the World’s First Weapon System that can totally hide and conceal a massive 1½ inch-wide by 33 inch-long (sword) RazorSword.”  A series of links within the belt house the bendable sword, allowing it to whip out at great speeds using its own springiness. This revolutionary system is the latest in both pants-holding-up technology and the art of cuttin’ down motherfuckers. Great for hand-me-down pants from your older fatter brother or  for sudden ninja attacks.

While I feel that HSN would probably have done a superb job marketing this shanker, I appreciate the manufacturer’s choice to recruit a local stripper, dress her in nothing but a Beltsword and some hair extensions that totally match her hair color, and have her demonstrate the sword in action. Careful with that thing, honey: it wouldn’t be the first time a sex-worker killed someone with a belt by mistake, but it would be the first time a lemon wedge wouldn’t have prevented the accident. If naked chicks don’t  float your boat, you can also see a middle-aged dude who looks like Lost’s John Locke, a grandmother, and an angry-looking college coed whip it out and leer menacingly at you.

The Beltsword is the brainchild of Curtis W. Koehler, who feels the need to tell us he was born and still lives in Wisconsin. There, he learned to harness the miracle science into a sword that he could wear around his waist. But what good is a clothing item/instrument of death without accessories? The site also sells a sticky paste that you spray on your sword’s handle to keep from dropping the sword.  You got your sword, you got your hand paste… now if they could only get Vince Offer to start selling these badboys, I’m pretty sure they’d have a goldmine on their hands.