Top 5 Worst Airports

By Ned Hepburn on March 12th, 2009

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1. Atlanta

Like a gigantic drunken man-child, the flailing limbs of this behemoth often leave you wondering “when is the pain going to end”. The cool part is the miniature subway system which whisks you away to the next terminal. The not-cool part is the fact that the airport even needs such a subway system as the backbone of its infrastructure: the place is just too damn big, and getting around? Forget it. If you ever wanted to lose yourself for a week and have no-one find you, this would be the perfect place to do it. You’d be able to eat, too. All the fast food you want and could ever desire, because this place has it in spades. Atlanta International: Clusterf**k.

2. Midway Airport, Chicago

This is the little brother who could never get it quite right, moved to a bad part of a town, and refused to shave its mustache or do any exercise.

The employees just don’t care. About anything. About you, about themselves, about that wandering little kid bumping into things, about that other little kid that was peeing on things, about the weird homeless looking dude flat out stealing things. It was anarchy. They do have an advantage of having a Potbellies Sandwich Co right there in the middle of it all, which comforts the blow of arriving at Midway by giving you one of the best sandwiches the city has to offer.

3. Dallas Fort Worth

Oh man. Remember The Flintstones? Remember when they went anywhere in their foot-powered car thing, and how the background kept repeating itself because the animators didn’t want to or were just too plain lazy to draw a full background? That’s what this place is like. If you walk around this place, you’ll see the same stuff. And I know that happens in most airports, but this place doubly so. There’s just no character. It’s like Hank Hill without all the life lessons and subtle social commentary.

4. La Guardia, NYC

I feel sad for putting La Guardia on the list because it’s one of those airports that a surprising amount of people hold dear to them due to the fact it was the first place they flew into New York. But I can’t front: this place is just kind of run down. It’s like Guiliani allowed all the crazy weird dirty 80’s New York to move in. The place hasn’t changed since Die Hard came out, I’d gather. Not that I don’t enjoy the grit and grime of the city, but the place just looks like it was designed at Legoland. It’s neither clean nor dirty. It’s somewhere in the middle. And for an airport to the best city in the world it’s just not good enough.

5. Salt Lake City

I can’t think of a real reason why this place stands out as one of the single worst places I’ve ever been to. I can’t. The views are amazing, the place is well kept, the people are rather nice and it’s not too bad to get through. But much like the city itself: I just don’t get it. And if you want a good drink at the bar forget it. You’re smack dab in the middle of Mormon country and that means some of the most watered down tasting beer this side of a kegger at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. It’s boring. The only good thing that happened the entire three hours I was there was… well… nothing. And nothing bad happened either. It’s like ennui designed the entire place.