Microsoft are apparently going to be opening up some retail stores in the same vein as the now ubiquitous Apple stores.
Yes indeedy, it looks like they’re taking a page directly from Apple. Things that are likely to happen in the new Microsoft stores:
- The entire store will turn blue and everyone will stop working for no apparent reason.
- You will be told by a giant animatronic paperclip that you need help at odd intervals.
- Unable to make a simple purchase you will be told that there has been an “error”, although no one will tell you what kind of error, or what you can do to fix it.
- You will be able to purchase things in two categories: beige, or slow.
- There will be a thing called “Vista” that rich people somehow get to work. You will not be able to get it to work.
- Despite having a monopoly of roughly 80% of the global market on computers, the newer computers will be so expensive that by the time you buy a top of the line product it will be obsolete within six months. You will be forced to forever purchase mid-range products. This is the equivalent of only being able to afford Honda Accords. It will take you where you need to go, but it’s so middle of the road that you’ll be bored to tears instantly. This will cause you to leave the store.
- Oh, the one thing you can do better than in the Apple store is play games. However, being unable to load a webcam and your instant messaging program without the entire store shutting down around you, you will be forced to smash your head into the screen. You try and return it to the store, but it turns out the screen – like everything else about PC’s – is third party and your warranty is invalid.
- Nobody will talk to you “because you are a “n00b”.
- After you make a purchase you will need to install pointless other items. You’ll be told “Windows Media Player” is the only way to live.
- No matter how hard you try you will not be able to shake this omnipresent voice telling you what you are doing is wrong.
- After twenty five minutes in the store you will somehow catch a virus.
- To help you recover, there will be a guy called “Dr Norton” who will work great one time and then piss you off for the next several years until you finally remove him, at which point you will catch another “virus”.
