Where I Talk to Chris Brown About This “Booty Text”

By Ned Hepburn on February 17th, 2009

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According to NBC, it was a “booty text” that started the fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna.

A booty text? Seriously? And then you decided to beat her up because YOU got a booty text, Chris Brown? Aren’t you dating one of the hottest women in the world?

Seriously, dude. First: turn the phone off. Second: if you’re tapping that Rihanna, don’t go a-wanderin’ in other pastures. Not only are you a stupid man, but your songs are awful too. Oh and you beat women up. Real classy, dude.

Chris, have a seat. Listen. I know what its like: having women throw themselves at you all day long. But here’s a secret I’ve learned from when I was sick in bed for three days straight and watched back-to-back-to-back George Carlin specials: would you rather fuck a 10, or would you rather fuck five 2’s? Let’s be real here: Rihanna is a 10. And I’m preeeeetty sure that girl that sent you the “booty text” was an 8 and a half at best. Seriously.

And the beating up part? That’s all you, dude. I’m not even touching that. If you hit a woman and you’re not Sean Connery – hell, even if you are – it just ain’t cool. Don’t be a dumbass. Shit, go outside for a cigarette or something, Chris. Walk it off. Hell, maybe she WAS in the wrong but that gives you no right to hit a chick. Now you’ve gone and done the stupidest thing in your whole life. Wakka wakka!

Here’s a handy-dandy checklist of lessons we’ve learned from Chris Brown’s dumb ass.

• When you’re with a gorgeous woman – hey! – turn off the phone!
• Booty texts. Don’t “save it in your phone so you can look at it later”. Are you 10?
• If you’re going to fuck with an R&B singers emotions, make sure she’s not the R&B singer that wears a ton of S&M gear at her shows. Girls that are into S&M are usually loose cannons anyway. Best not to mess with them.
• Don’t hit a woman. You idiot. That’s, like, rule #1 in the How To Get Through Life handbook.
• Don’t suck at life. Dude, your songs are bullshit, you’ve lost your sponsorships to milk(!) and gum(!!), and you beat up women. Nice.

What a dumb ass.

via NBC Washington