This weekend we salute five men who, without them, we’d literally be pooping in holes willy-nilly, unable to eat a simple sandwich, or turn a screw. Or get screwed. See what I did there? I made it a sex joke.
The name might not be the most obvious name to a lot in a “hey shouldn’t this guy be ubiquitous?” list of Ubiquitous Dudes, but Henry F. Phillips, a businessman from Oregon, is credited with a whole… wait for it… head of a screwdriver named after him! You’d think a screw designed to have slightly better torque wouldn’t be so legendary, right? Yes, if you’ve ever used a Phillips screwdriver (and statistically, you have), you have indeed held Henry’s legendary tool in your hand.
The Hemi engine, if you’ve ever driven in a car that has one, is a lot like having a gigantic penis. You think you’d never be the type of person that would flaunt such a thing but any time you’re at a stoplight you want to whip it out and VROOOOM that thing obnoxiously. While Jeremy Stapish didn’t technically invent the Hemi (that honor would fall upon his long-out-of-business Chelsea Manufacturing Co in 1903), he was the one to patent the bastard, proving once again that committee-thinking ends in one dude taking all the credit. Nice one, Jeremy.
3. William S. Harley & Arthur Davidson
Together, they brought motorcycles from uberniche to the masses. This doesn’t excuse your Uncle Larry from taking his out of the garage once a month and riding around the suburbs with his shirt tucked into his jeans. I think they were going for something totally different. But your Uncle Larry is fucking it up for all of us out there who actually like motorcycles. Tell him to stop.
Yep, it’s true. The dude that invented the toilet was named Crapper. Wakka wakka. Dude, I went to college. I’m above making a few poop jokes. So I made sure he was #2 on the list? What of it? Geez. That was just a coincidence.
THE DUDE INVENTED SLICED BREAD. Someone get that guy a drink. He kind of takes the whole cake on the issue: without him, we wouldn’t have anything to compare other inventions to. He set the high-waterbreadmark. Amazingly, dude hardly gets much credit, so start throwing his name into conversations. Like, “that dude would win an Otto Frederick Rohwedder lookalike competition hands down” or “did you know Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented sliced bread because we are all dumb-asses”. Try that.
(Photos courtesy of Hugo90, dodge challenger1, ** Maurice **, dennis and aimee jonez, julsatmidnight, and unhindered by talent)
Comments
s wilson
January 31st, 2009 - 9:34:39 AM
Hilarious!!! you ROCK!!
1